ABDICATE

I was doing an exercise from "Creative Writing Excercises Workbook" by Marjorie J McDonald. In the book, Exercise 3, you find a dictionary and close your eyes, skim down, land on a word and use that word in your title or story. My fingers landed on the word Abdicate. This is the result of that exercise.  So more of my rambling tonight. I hope it doesn't bore you to tears.

ABDICATE

Abdicate, to give up or to not fufill your responsibilities. There are so many times during your lifetime that you just want to ABDICATE. When you are a young mother and your baby hasn’t slept in days and so you are worn out and they are crying and you are at your wits end....I have been there. You just want to ABDICATE. You no longer want to be a mom right now in this moment. Of course that is a very short moment of which you will feel unnecessarily guilty for many years. I challenge any mother to say they have not had that moment.

It may not come when your baby is an infant, but when your baby is a young teenager trying to find his way in the world. He is defying you and what you have tried to teach him. And everything in you is screaming I ABDICATE....NO I DON”T WANT TO BE THE MOM... as you pick yourself up and dry your tears and put your big girl panties back on. And yes you will because inside that smart alec teen standing there is your little itty bitty baby that you love more than life.You may be at a loss on how you are ever going to teach them. And desperate that they will never grow up to be a responsible adult.. And again you will have many days of unnecessary guilt that will haunt you for many years over wanting to give up.

There will be many more times in your life as a Mom when ABDICATING will be the first thought in your mind. But as a Mom, you know that is not a choice. Mom is the best job in the world... well maybe not the very best..Ask your Grandma. I am both and I never thought I could love anyone more than my children. Well, I was wrong. And when my grandkids tell me...I have the best Grandma in the world...Well lets just say...I am glad I didn’t ABDICATE.

Father's Day

Another Father's Day is here and it reminds me how much I miss my Dad. I wish I had one more minute, hour, day, lifetime with my Dad. It wouldn't matter how much time I had, it would not be long enough. I miss him almost every day. My grandson has been talking about the "Circle Of Life" lately. I know that losing your parents is just one more part of that circle. But it is one that you don't want to face.

My dad was not always the "perfect" Dad. but he was mine. And I never questioned whether or not I was loved. If I needed anything, all I had to do was ask. He wasn't at every school program or ball game. He wasn't one of those Dads. I never even thought about it then. He was just my Dad and that is how he was.

A carpenter his whole life, you only had to tell him what you wanted, and he could build it. The smell of sawdust and sweat is the most perfect smell in the world.  His striped overhauls and pencil behind his ear, this is how I remember him as a child. Before measuring tapes came around, the wooden folded measuring tape was one of my favorite toys...Of course, I got in trouble for playing with that toy.

He built the house where we lived in Texas. After moving to Oklahoma in 1968, He built another home in 1973. Of course he had help and my mother was very capable and built the cabinets...together they built us a new home.  They bought a place at Eufaula Lake. After he retired, he made a drawing and began to rebuild our cabin. It began as a 1957 travel trailer with a room built on the front complete with a porch. When it was finished, he had enlarged it by building a regular roof over it and tearing it apart and rebuilding it from the inside out.  He had help, but the plan was his and all the trim work was his. Our little "trailer" became a very nice house.


One of my fondest memories of Dad was our fishing time. It began when we were little and he would take us fishing while visiting my Grandma. I was married and started having children when they bought the place on Eufaula Lake. While we were there, Dad got up very early and I would get up with him. If I wanted to have any quite fishing time, I had to do it before my kids woke up. Drinking coffee on the porch listening to the birds wake up was one of my favorite parts of the day. Dad would tell me the names of each one of the birds as they began their morning songs. We spent many mornings sitting on the rocks with our poles in the water waiting on the fish to bite. If we were "Jug Fishing" He would take me with him out in the boat to pick up and bait the jugs back out. Our mornings would usually prove productive and we would bring home several good sized catfish. Dad and I didn't talk much, but we enjoyed spending this quite time together.

Growing up, Dad was a grouchy man. About the time I started having my children, he began to mellow. I am not sure, but I think Grandchildren have a way of changing Grouchy Men. I sort of witnessed this strange phenomenon again when my husband and I had our first granddaughter. Ha. But that is another story.   This thing that happens when men become Grandpas showed a side of my Dad I didn't know existed. All of the things he wasn't when I was a child, he gave to my children. And when you thought you had seen everything, His grandchildren made him a Great Grandpa. It got even more unbelievable. During this period of our lives, he became ill. Between Grandchildren and fighting for his life, he became the most loving man I know. I always felt loved, but the gentle way he was after the grand kids, I never experienced as a child.

 He had been a drinking man, and right before he got sick, he gave up that part of his life. My daughter was sort of angry by this. She felt he had wasted so many years and then he got sick. I am sure he regretted all those years, but life is what it is. Life is filled with regrets and should haves and could haves.We begin to mold into a person the moment of birth. Choices, life lessons, consequences, people, mistakes, victories, failures all come together to make the person we become. And we never cease to evolve until we die.

Dad loved us each with his whole heart. He made choices he was proud of and choices he was ashamed of.  But the man he was, I was proud to call my Dad. His life taught us to be proud, to have faith, to love, and what it means to be a good person. Thank you, Daddy, for all you taught us. I miss you and think of you every day. Happy Father's Day.

What I have learned so far at school....

As a Substitute Teacher...
I have learned how difficult a job the teachers have when dealing with these kids...Especially the kids in Junior High...Each child comes from a different family and different set of circumstance..they are going through puberty and learning a whole new set of rules... trying to fit in and everything is changing all at once. We think of the kids and know how hard it is, because we remember, or at least we think we do...We don't really, because before we know it, that part of our life is a million miles away and we are trying to learn a whole new set of rules.
But the Teachers are there on the front lines everyday. They have to keep order for these kids when everything about their lives are anything but order.
And then for each child, there is another side of them depending on what set of kids they are with that day. They see the child in the same setting with the same players everyday.
As a Substitute, I see these kids with different groups and depending where they are and who they are with, they are different.
They are trying so hard just to fit in, to be what their parents want them to be, what their teachers want them to be....They just want to be...
Also the difference between the 7th grade and 8th grade is big...And I have watched them from the beginning of 7th grade until now the beginning of the 2nd semester....Some of these girls are growing up and I don't mean just in appearance, but their attitude and their confidence. You can see that some of them have went through the puberty stuff already and are on the other side...and you can see those that are trying. I see girls like myself, afraid to look up because we are afraid some people may be looking at us..And then there are those that can't get enough people to look at them..and then the ones in between.
Then you see the ones in 8th grade that look like they are already in the 12th...and you know what I mean. You can see the ones that have grown up way to fast or at least have more knowledge than they should have.
I wish I had discovered a long time ago that this is something I love to do. I think to myself that I can fit in here and teach and then I realize that I am not smart enough to do that. I do not have the book smarts for it...I didn't go to school and pay my dues. I have been through the school of life.
Well I need to go to bed and so off I go....