ABDICATE

I was doing an exercise from "Creative Writing Excercises Workbook" by Marjorie J McDonald. In the book, Exercise 3, you find a dictionary and close your eyes, skim down, land on a word and use that word in your title or story. My fingers landed on the word Abdicate. This is the result of that exercise.  So more of my rambling tonight. I hope it doesn't bore you to tears.

ABDICATE

Abdicate, to give up or to not fufill your responsibilities. There are so many times during your lifetime that you just want to ABDICATE. When you are a young mother and your baby hasn’t slept in days and so you are worn out and they are crying and you are at your wits end....I have been there. You just want to ABDICATE. You no longer want to be a mom right now in this moment. Of course that is a very short moment of which you will feel unnecessarily guilty for many years. I challenge any mother to say they have not had that moment.

It may not come when your baby is an infant, but when your baby is a young teenager trying to find his way in the world. He is defying you and what you have tried to teach him. And everything in you is screaming I ABDICATE....NO I DON”T WANT TO BE THE MOM... as you pick yourself up and dry your tears and put your big girl panties back on. And yes you will because inside that smart alec teen standing there is your little itty bitty baby that you love more than life.You may be at a loss on how you are ever going to teach them. And desperate that they will never grow up to be a responsible adult.. And again you will have many days of unnecessary guilt that will haunt you for many years over wanting to give up.

There will be many more times in your life as a Mom when ABDICATING will be the first thought in your mind. But as a Mom, you know that is not a choice. Mom is the best job in the world... well maybe not the very best..Ask your Grandma. I am both and I never thought I could love anyone more than my children. Well, I was wrong. And when my grandkids tell me...I have the best Grandma in the world...Well lets just say...I am glad I didn’t ABDICATE.

Life Lessons

You are never too old to learn life lessons. It is sort of a continuing education. When you are comfortable in your life, you can completely drop the ball and make a complete fool of yourself.

As you get older and wiser, you begin to realize that all those life lessons have actually taught you something. One of the things that I have learned is that I was way too judgmental in my younger years. When the kids were growing up, I thought that I knew it all and there was no other way than my way. Most things that I thought was just one way, I learned from other adults in my life. My parents, my pastor, my teachers...Everything was either black or white. There was no room for any gray areas. 

Growing up is not an easy as we think. It takes lots of life lessons. As I said before it is a work in progress and I don't know that we ever completely there. I thought I had finally gotten over being judgmental.  I am more open minded. I can see both sides of almost any argument to the point I seem wishy washy.  I just knew I had this...when I dropped the ball and made a complete fool of myself.

When they announced the new judges of American Idol I became so upset. I ranted on and on about Nicki Minaj. I had absolutely no idea of what I was talking about. I was judging her on the way she looked and what I felt she must be like. I saw her on an awards show looking like a giant Barbie Doll who couldn't even stand up on her own because of her shoes. I heard gossip and the paparazzi junk...and I don't even remember what it was except is was negative. I got on my soap box and no one was going to tell me any different because by golly "I know" she is just what????? I don't even know what I thought, because I was too busy KNOWING...

After watching American Idol the other night, I realized that once again, I was that person..That judged someone that I didn't know to the point that I sounded pathetic. I realized that I had been very stupid and showed my "Ass" in a very unbecoming way. I am not sure I like her or respect her yet, but I didn't even give her a chance.

I was prepared to come to class the next day and make a confession. Before I was allowed to do that, a person that I call a friend let me have it. It seems that not only had I made a complete fool of myself, I had let my friend down. When I got finished being a know it all "Witch" with a B, I had given her reason to think less of me. I deserved that and even more. I hope that she doesn't let that define me. Hopefully she will realize that I am human and make mistakes but I am still worth it.

 Looking at this one incident, I know this is a ugly truth about me. I am way too judgmental. I have come a long way, but not near far enough. Working on this will be a priority this year.

2013

2013 is here and it is time for another round of resolutions and promises that the beginning of the year brings. Every January 1st, we get a brand new clean notebook numbered from 1 to 365. I didn't actually think of this on my own, I borrowed it from someone else. I just read it somewhere in the past week. That doesn't mean it isn't true.

The fact is, this is a wonderfully healthy way to look at life. We give ourselves permission to let the things that we have done in the past stay there. This way we can actually forgive ourselves for not being perfect. So many times we fail because we set ourselves up to fail. We sabotage our chance at success when we bring our baggage with us. I think I blogged about this last year, or the year before.

Self Fulfilling Prophecy: A Self Fulfilling Prophecy is a prediction that causes itself to come true due to the simple fact that the prediction was made. This happens because our beliefs influence our actions.  

I think we have all been guilty of this. Remember when we were in school and preparing for a test. We did everything right. We took the notes, wrote the papers, studied the material and crammed all night long. The next day we go take the test. We know it, but somehow we second guess our selves and somewhere in the middle of the test we start getting overwhelmed and instead of acing the test, we get a low b or even a c. Why? Because we have told ourselves over and over and over, I am not good at taking test. Every time I take a test, I "choke" and I never can make an A. We make a prediction and then allow ourselves to believe that we can't do it and we just choke. 

They say that the definition of insanity is to continue to do the same things with the expectations of a different outcome. This is where the  Self Fulfilling Prophecy comes to bite us in the butt. It isn't that we don't want to change, or can't change..It is because we don't allow ourselves to believe that we can do it. We keep saying that I always screw it up and so guess what.. we do. 

I remember when I wrote this the last time. I gave myself a lot of pep talks and gave my self permission to succeed. I had some success and met some goals. I don't know what happened or where I let myself stop believing, but I had some set backs. But it worked so well, I am going to try it again this year.  And this year, I am going to take my brand new sheets of paper and try to write some new goals. I am going to look forward and not get bogged down by the old SFP. I am going to make new ones that are positive and bright. 

I know that this is the 7th and I am a week late. I am telling myself that it is because I haven't sit down yet this year to make my resolutions. It's not because I am the worlds worst procrastinator. That would be my first SFP of the year and I am not going down that road again. 

This would be Page 7 of 365. One of my new SFP's. I am going to write more. I am not going to sabotage  that by making excuses but by saying that I can do this. I will do this. I am going to write more.