For Anna

For Anna

You ask me for  a couple of sentences  about loving someone with autism.. I don't know if I can give you a tangible answer, because there is so many levels of love there. 

You know that most people are touchable...hugs, kisses, high fives. An Autistic child doesn't want that contact. So you continue to try and connect with them. But you know sometimes, I think that for them, they are sorry they can't give you what you want. I had a young man in class who had other disabilities as well as autism and he was nonverbal. He was my boy. I would try and hug him and he would shy away.  We would sit on the sofa and watch our movie. Sometimes he would actually cuddle up. He was about my height and standing close to him sometimes he would lean in for a kiss I think. I was never really sure. But I loved him on his terms.He is just one of many that I was blessed to help.

Each person doesn't fit the Autism Mold. IF they did we would have lots of little Rainmen running around. Also, we would have more of an idea of what they need. This is even more evident in the nonverbal child. He will find a way to communicate if you listen. His language takes lots of trial and errors on your part. You know Noah is like that. He does a lot of snapping his fingers. 

I digress. It is almost like when the child is born he gets to visit the big Autism Store. All the symptoms are on the shelf. And they get to choose which ones they want. Or maybe, they don't get to choose, but they are given them randomly.  

I know I have rambled here trying to answer this. I can answer this...

People will tell me it takes a special person to love and teach these kids. They are wrong. I am the one who is blessed by these children. I wake up everyday ready to go to work. They say it takes special parents to raise a child with disabilities. They will argue with that statement. I think the more appropriate statement would be "Sometimes it is more challenging, but having the opportunity to love these  children is a blessing." Speaking as the grandma, they have given me more love than I could ever think possible. 

Finding Christmas

 A few weeks ago I wrote about finding Christmas. I was having trouble finding the feeling, the excitement, the love but the most of all I was missing the reason. Then God gave me a gift that will change my life I hope.

On the evening of December 14, I had a brain aneurysm burst. Without knowing what had happened to me, Mike took me to the ER. I was in excruciating pain and my eyelid wouldn't stay open and my face was going numb. I thought maybe it was a stroke. A trip to one er and a transfer by ambulance to another hospital, I was where I needed to be. That is when I found out that my chances to die were greater than the chances to live. God had protected me and saved my life. He put me in the hands of capable doctors that did what was needed to

I will be in the hospital for 2 more weeks. I will miss Christmas with my family. All the worry about not finding Christmas has been lifted. My right eyelid will not open on it's own. The eye is fixed and dilated and the right side of my face is numb. The doctor's say that it could possibly heal but it will take months. I don't know how long I will be off work. I just know one thing. These things don't really matter. I have my life, my family and the most wonderful friends in the world. I am so blessed.
The outpouring of love has made me feel so humble. 

Where is Christmas?

Christmas
Remember those days when you were as excited as your kids waiting on Santa and sharing the love of Christmas. When even the years that were a little leaner, you found a way to make them happy. All the love that would make your heart grow ten sizes. The excitement and wonder that went into making it all come together. Finding the perfect gift to light up their eyes. And one day all those feelings were multiplied by ten because now you have grandchildren.

I love Christmas, I hate that sometimes or most of the time it flies by so quickly that I don't stop and enjoy it. This year, I have not found the excitement. I keep waiting for the feeling, and it just hasn't happened. I don't know where it is. It is less than two weeks away and I am running out of time.

I''m waiting for the magic to begin but it isn't. Maybe it's because life is in the way. I lost my best friend in July and I am losing my mom one day at a time. Her memories are being wiped out one at a time. I  wish that I could wave my wand and turn the clock around again. I pray almost everyday for her not to lose anymore. If she could just stay at this level, I think we could be okay with that. When I get stressed and the walls seem to be caving in, I just shut down. I put walls up and go into denial. If I do these things, then I can hide...right? No, it never works out for me like that, but that is how I deal.
I am sure it will happen, but the timing won't be right. I will be all out of time and have to wait until next year to see the magic.

I feel that maybe I have pushed Jesus Christ out of Christmas and now there is nothing left where my heart is. I know he is the reason for the season. His birth was a miracle and he was born to save us from sin. We get so caught up in the commercialism of Christmas that we forget that his son is really what it is all about. God gave us the greatest gift. There is nothing more important. Sharing our love with our family and others is what God wants of us. I believe that giving the gift of love will help me find the feelings that have eluded me so far.

"My Best Friend"

Sheryl Moore  (February 14, 1957 - July 28, 2019) 

Friends that  you meet later in your life are different than the ones you have when you are young. 

For instance, in elementary or jr high, your best friend and you are still forming how to have relationships and so you both have to like the same everything. You want to wear the same clothes, same makeup. You like or dislike the same people. You copy everything from each other. Favorite movie stars, bands, and even boys. 

Sometimes people remain life long friends. Through kids, husbands, dogs, politics, you stay friends for life. Sometimes, a lot of the time, these relationships grow apart as you grow. Not because you don't still love your friend, but you move towards different goals and have different opinions.

A friendship that blossoms later in life is much different. You go into the relationship knowing and respecting the differences that make you who you are. You have different ideas, but you find a common ground on which friendship grows. It is our differences that teach us to love things we never thought that we could. 

This Best Friend that I found in Sheryl was just like that. I remember the first time I met her. 

You know I am shy and self conscious and easily can just hide in plain sight. Especially when I am in a situation where I don't know anyone, I want to put my eyes down and just hide. 

I was trying to hide behind Mike that day when we went to our first STAR meeting. She was the LOS officer. I saw her smiling at me like a crazy woman. She came up and started talking and I was doing my best to hide. She didn't let me. I wasn't use to getting that much attention. I don't know why she tried so hard, but I am glad she did.

Over the last 14 years we became very best friends. As we grew closer, her family became my family and my family became hers. We were different and the same. Sometimes we didn't see eye to eye, but that was okay. We respected each other and was able to learn from each other. I loved her like family, like a sister.  We shared so much friendship and love. 

Friends are how we get through every day of every year. God puts people in our lives whenever he sees a need for them. Sometimes they are there to comfort us and support us. Sometimes they are there to teach us life lessons. He places them in our lives for however long we need them. Some friends are life long and others move through for just a quick minute.

I can't imagine why God decided that I didn't still need Sheryl. I am selfish as I know she is singing with the angels, Her broken human body is healed and she is no longer suffering. I know these things to be true, but my heart hurts and I already miss her so much.

Politics ARGH....State Questions????

I really hate politics. I just want the two sides to honestly lay out what they are selling and then just let us make a decision. With the Presidential Election throwing around so much negativity, we don't even know what our State Questions mean.

There is so much negativity. When we are teaching our children about our most important right of this country...The Right To Vote...all they see is a bunch of adults acting like neanderthals. I started to say children, but our children may be immature, they are not cruel, nasty people. They have to be feeling the effects of all the stress that this election is bringing to their parents, grandparents, teachers...well all the adults in their lives. But enough about the negativity and visceral that surrounds our elections.

The media doesn't think that we are smart enough to look at the issues and make up our own minds. They prejudice the news that they are suppose to be reporting. When this happens, it brings out the worst in all of the candidates. And the candidates play right into that. They in return quit focusing on the issues. We get no real answers on how they will lead our country. I just want it all to stop,

Now having gotten that rant out of my system, I want to say how confused I am about our State Questions. I know I am not informed enough to vote on State Question 777. I also want to say that the people that is most affected by this law are the farmers. So my questions are what percentage of the population are farmers? Why would the rest of the State even know how this affects their lives and businesses. Wouldn't this question be left up to them?  I hope that they know what is best for the state. I want to do best for those that would be affected.I think the rest of the questions, I can make a good choice. It's just this one that I am worried that my vote will not be the right one.

Did I say that I hate politics? Well I hope everyone of you get out and vote. Do what ever you can to make the best decisions for you and your family! Don't forget that it is your right and it is completely anonymous. It is also your right not to tell anyone the way you voted. In fact, it is considered rude to ask someone how they voted.   

Friends

Friends are how we get through every day of every year. God puts people in our lives whenever he sees a need for them. Sometimes they are there to comfort us and support us. Sometimes they are there to teach us life lessons. He places them in our lives for however long we need them. Some friends are life long and others move through for just a quick minute.

I have been blessed with every kind of friend. Although those that are here for just a quick minute, doesn't mean you lose them. It just means that they have come through and made an impact on our lives and then they move on. Life gets busy and you lose touch. You will never forget them or what they taught you or gave you. They stay in a special place in our hearts and heads and we will remember them when we need to.

One of my friends from work is moving on. She and her family are able to move to the next place in their life journey. Moving home close to their family will truly be a blessing and I am so happy for them. I have to ask myself what God had planned when he put her here for me. I think I know the reason. She has taught me that life is not that perfect square box that we think it is. That thinking outside the corners or under the floor, is okay. I tend to be judgemental and closed minded. She has given me many things that caused me to grow as a person. I am sure that I still don't understand all that God had planned. There will be times in my life that I will be faced with a decision to make and her words will be remembered.

She has also given me support and encouragement when I have needed it. She has shown me how to love by her actions. This is God's plan. The way we live our lives when we don't know anyone is watching. Well, that is what we should strive for.

We don't speak every day and our lives outside of school never cross. But I consider her my friend and hope that she knows how much I love her and how much she will be missed.
I am still hoping for an orthopedic High Heel club so I can join. I want some Cheerleader red lipstick that doesn't come off all day.... I hope her and Brock enjoy raising those two beautiful baby girls on the farm.

I will miss you  Amanda Puffett. I would say some great quote from Star Wars or Harry Potter, but I can't think of any...

Breastfeeding in Public: My opinion

I support breastfeeding. I believe its pros far outweigh the cons It is natural and so healthy for the baby and mama also.

I believe that employers should step up and make it easier for their employees. I encourage businesses to reach out to Moms and give them a place of comfort and privacy to nourish their babies.
Nothing is more precious than the mom and baby bonding when feeding.  Even in nature, we find that nursing babies; ponies, puppies, kittens. Well, it is a sweet and awesome moment.

Breastfeeding is not simple and as easy as some make it look. In the beginning, it is painful. Even if you do the things your doctor tells you about toughing up your nipples, it still hurts. Your breast becomes engorged with fluid and they become hot to touch. And then if your sweet little baby can latch on. OWE....but when you get settled in and your sweet little baby latches on and his little soft lips begin to suck...Your heart grows so big. You bond with your baby.
Of course there are babies that won't latch on and no matter how hard you try, it just doesn't happen. So you are forced to pump. Now pumping is not so bad. There is times when it is necessary. This allows a mother to be away from her baby for longer periods of time. But going back to one of the cons...my grandson would not take a bottle. We tried every kind on the market. We tried boob bottles and every nipple we could find. This is discouraging, because as much as you love that sweet little baby, everyone needs a short break. Even if it is just a trip to the grocery store alone. Or maybe that night out to a movie or dinner.  Feeding a baby the breast is much more time consuming. And while you would love to sit and feed your baby all day, the reality is life goes on and Mama is needed elsewhere. I have so much respect for the moms that can breastfeed their baby and make it seem easy.

Now here comes the but.... I do think that it is a beautiful thing, but I really don't want to see the actual full on view. I think that with everything else, modesty is not a bad thing. I don't want to see women's breast uncovered for any reason. I am not a prude...just like to keep some things private. I think there is always a way that you can feed your baby in public and yet use discretion. A soft blanket or cover can keep mom discreet and more people less offended.

But the bottom line, is that it is a choice that a mother has to make. I don't feel like life is going to be ruined if we see a woman feeding her baby. I admire her for what she does. But I. will turn away if she chooses not to be discreet. And don't go all righteous on me if I don't like it.  I was offended to see the baby sitting on Mom's lap on Santa's lap. But I am a big girl and I can pull my panties on....but I did not like it. I did not think it was cute and I don't think it sent a good statement for women wanting respect for breastfeeding their babies in public.

Everyone has the right to choose what is Right for them, and everyone has a right to like it or not. That is what makes this the best country in the world to live in, I am sure that some will agree with me and some will not. That's ok.

Christmas Repost

A repost from Dec 2012


Here it is Dec 2. Just 23 more days until Christmas. This is definitely my favorite time of the year. I just wish I could somehow figure out how to slow it down. It seems we are so busy living life, working, taking care of children, or going to school. We have a busy regular life and then we have to  squeeze in so much Christmas in 25 days. Is it any wonder why we try so hard to begin earlier and earlier each year?

For the retailers, we know that they are trying to squeeze every last dime from us to make all their numbers come out in black and staying out of the red. Christmas trees in stores in September before Halloween decorations, they do have an agenda. Have you ever noticed how they begin to play reruns of Christmas movies in the heat of summer? Hmmm...I don't think it is an accident. They play on all those warm and fuzzy feelings that we all get this time of the year.

That is just it...we all play right into that. It is such a magical time of the year, full of love and good will...we crave it.. we all want it. It is magical and it does bring out the best in almost everyone. Of course I know that it isn't wonderful for every one. There are still the lonely and homeless. Those that are sick and dying. People without family that love them. Children that still go to bed hungry. But the fact is everyone wants to make a difference. Just like the Grinch found out..Christmas comes no matter what. We all want a part of making it happen..It makes our heart grow so many sizes...just like the Grinch's did.

Everyone wants to reach out and help. People say "excuse me","Thank You", and "Please".  You see people reaching deeper into their pockets to help their neighbors and even strangers. This is the one time of the year that people give of themselves with no other thought but to help.  And it makes us feel so good. There is no other time of the year that people are more generous and giving. I just wish that we could keep Christmas in our hearts a little longer.

I know that God gave us his son on that first Christmas so many many years ago. Jesus was the ultimate gift. I can only imagine God's warm and fuzzy feelings for giving such a perfect gift. This is the reason for the season. And even when we get caught up in the commercialism of it all... I honestly believe that most every person knows that giving is better than receiving. The gift of giving is one that God has passed down to us. Learning to stretch that feeling throughout the year, would be a gift into itself.

So once again this year I will be trying to enjoy all 25 days.  I want to feel Christmas every day of the month. It seems I am not very good at it, because it is always over way too soon..But I will try. :)

Teachers repost

It has been 8 years since i began my journey  and new cqreer in education. I still love every minute of it. I love all my students and the faculty. I have made wonderful friends that i consider extended  family. Facebook reminded me of this post 5 years ago. And now I am a part of the faculty and still having fun. I want to repost this from 5 years ago..


You know that this makes the 3rd year that I have been substituting at my old Junior High. I never knew how much I would love this kind of work. It just suits me. I think that sometimes the different seasons of your life dictate of where you should be. The problem with that is I never prepared to be a teacher. For that reason, I take the lower pay and only do this part time. Most of the students love me and that is important. What I cannot get over is how the faculty and administrators treat me. I feel Golden and that doesn't mean in years. I am treated with so much respect and appreciation. They do not understand that I feel privileged to stand in for those that give so much.

I blame my danged old condition preventing me from continuing my education so that I can stand amongst the heroes that are called "Teachers". I know that I am not stupid, and eventually I might make it through. But now that I am 53, by the time I would graduate, if I could find a job, I would not be able to enjoy the kids but for a few years. You don't understand, I would have to go to remedial college before I could start real classes. So I get the best next thing. I get to share. Share the fun of being in these kids lives, possibly making a difference without all the baggage. I get to have the fun without the junk. I get to leave the paper work and administrative duties to the teachers. I don't have to deal with the parents and administrators.

I hope to make a difference and shine a light into that student that might be struggling. Nothing makes me happier than seeing a child believe that I believe in him or her. You can just tell sometimes when you make a connection. You know that teachers need more money. But now I understand why they are still working without that raise. It comes from the heart.

I also get the opportunity to work side by side with the teachers. When I am working for a Para, that means I am in class with the real Teacher. I try to take away something from each opportunity I get. Thank you for giving me so much as you do your job.

A few more weeks of working in the severely handicapped class, and then I am back out in the general population. I love all sides of this job. So it doesn't matter which class I work in. But I do like to mix it up. To see the kids in different dynamics. Most of the teachers only see them in one situation. How they behave in their classes could be different depending on the mix of children in that hour. Is it before or after lunch? Do they love math, or is it their Achilles Heel? Maybe reading is where they shine. For me I see them differently on a daily basis.

So I will continue, for as long as they let me, to come in and enjoy these wonderful kids. Hopefully they won't realize I am not "Golden" for as long as I want to be there. 

Father's Day

Happy Father's day to all those Dad's out there. I have written about my dad and will probably repeat it to honor him tomorrow. But I think I want to honor some other fathers in my life.

My son...He has 5 children and he is the most awesome Dad I know. Watching him love his kids is one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. From the very first time he held Ryan in his arms you could see he was going to be great. He has always been a big boy, but his heart is bigger.

 I don't know many men that are as sensitive as he is. When he was a teenager, one of his favorite movies was "The Phantom Of The Opera". I know that isn't normal. I know too many boys. About this same time, he was planning what he wanted to do with his life. I can remember when I ask him what he wanted to be...what was he going to do with his life. His answer was "I just want to be a Dad."

Wendy met him when she was a junior in high school and he was a senior. She knew right away that she wanted him to be her husband. This is in the day and age when kids were not getting married right out of high school anymore. But they fell deeply in love and there was no talking them out of it.
Right away they had their first baby. Then number 2, 3 4, and 5. After 4 boys, Wendy finally got her baby girl. This is funny as Lloyd never wanted a girl. He always said they were nothing but trouble.

Now she has him wrapped around her little finger as most little girls do. She is all ribbons and bows, but she will drop kick you where it hurts. If anyone ever hurts that beautiful little girl, just pity the poor fool.

They have 3 boys on the Autism Spectrum. This is a challenge as well as a blessing. Wendy and Lloyd make a perfect team. I know that it isn't an easy life, however they make it look easy. Watching my son love his children is one of my greatest joys. He learned about being a dad from his own dad and his Pa. This is a testament of their love for him.

Mother's Day or Money Day?

Once again it is nearing another one of those "made up for money" holidays. We call it Mother's Day. Hallmark and Teleflora calls it Cha Ching! We have been urged, pushed and shamed to shower our mothers with gifts. We have been made to believe that if we love our mother, we must spend lots of money to honor her.

 I don't need another knick knack, plaque, trophy. I don't need them to spend their money to buy me a bouquet of flowers. I would rather them spend that money on my grandchildren or themselves. My children honor me every single day. Each day they use compassion for a stranger or someone with less, they honor me. The love that they raise their children with, that honor's me. I can see that they are raising their children to be respectful and compassionate, they honor me. When I see the loving, caring parent that they have become, I am honored.

So this Mother's Day, I hope they save their money. If they want to "honor" me this day, an "I love you" and a hug will be enough. 

Happy New Year 2015

A brand new year to begin again, to start over, a new slate to write a different story. We sent out report cards on Friday. The new semester started and I told my students "You have a brand new fresh start. Everyone is on even ground and there are no zeros or missing work". Of course you hope that they embrace new goals and strive to meet them.

We talk about our resolutions for the new year. Some people make the same ones over and over. Some of us choose not to make resolutions because we feel we are setting ourselves up for failure.

If you have ever heard of Self Fulfilling Prophecy then you might understand what they mean. We learned about this in a leadership class that I took.  

Self Fulfilling Prophecy is a way of looking at yourself and making a prediction of an outcome and then acting in ways that the prediction will come true. An example would be if you were required to take a class for school or work. You feel as if you are no good in this particular subject and you know that you are not going to pass. You begin to act in ways that will sabotage your efforts to pass the class. You tell yourself that you cannot learn this subject and your study habits will suffer. You dwell on the negative and you talk yourself into to failing. 

This term was made by a sociologist in 1948 by  Robert K. Merton. He also said that a teacher influences a student by their perception of that student. If the teacher perceives the student as an over achiever, he might provide studies that will guide that student in a positive direction. If the teacher perceives the student as lazy, they might not give them the attention that they give another student. This in turn will allow the student to get by without trying.

I know I have thought about this before, but like lots of my resolutions I have let them go and failed. So this year, I think I will give this Self Fulfilling Prophecy thing another go. I am going to look back on my last few years, write down some goals and practice some positive thoughts on how to achieve them. I want my students to believe in themselves. Why should I settle for less from myself?

One of my goals is to get back to writing. I enjoy writing down my thoughts, but for some reason it has been very easy to just not do it. So here it is January 11, 2015 and this is my first blog of the new year.

Kelsie, Another Angel

 The last post I made was in memory of our sweet Megan. She lost her battle at such a young age, but the battle she fought was long and tough. Today I write about another one of our angels that God shared with me. Kelsie Apple.

Kelsie had a head full of curls and rosy cheeks. She couldn't speak or see, but she always let us know that she was in the room. It was hard to know what she was thinking, however she responded to music and being read to.

It seems that when people don't know what to say, they say "She's better off now. She is not in pain any more".  Words that are suppose to make you feel better. In Kelsie's case these words mean so much. She is free of her chair now. Her eyes can see the rainbows and all of God's Kingdom.  She is running free of all the handicaps life had given her. I imagine that she and Megan are catching up. Megan is showing her all the wonders and they are lifting their voices singing with the angels.Her brand new Angel Wings will let them soar. There are  no selfish thoughts wishing that she were still on earth. We know without a doubt she is now whole. Will she be missed? Absolutely! The comfort of knowing that God is taking care of her now and that she is truly amazing keeps us strong in our faith.

I thank God for blessing me with my angels and the time he put them in my life. I know that it is not long enough, but there are always reasons why he places them here. My prayers are with her family tonight. I pray that God will bless and heal them.

In Memory of Megan

It has been a year since God took Megan home. In her memory, I am reposting my blog from a year ago. I think of her often. I know she runs with the angels, sings in God's choir and I hope in her spare time she looks down on earth and watches over her family and those of us that love her so much. Thank you God for sharing her with me even the short time I knew her.



Today we will celebrate Megan's life. It was a short life filled with many challenges. I was blessed that she touched my life these past 3 years. This goes along with the saying that people come in and out of your life for a purpose, a reason. Finding the reason and enjoying the blessings is the secret to God's plan.

Last Friday, the strings that held Megan to this world were cut.The strings fell away and with them all the pain, all the uncertainties, everything that held her back these past 16 years. When God presented her with her wings, the mountains were not too high and the impossible became possible. Her legs are straight and strong. Her eyes can see every color of the rainbow. Her ears can hear every whisper that the butterfly's wings make. Her voice rings out strong and loud as she sings with the angels.

Although the strings that bound her here to this earth are gone, the strings that hold her in our hearts are as strong as ever. These strings made of gold holds her here in our hearts forever. She will never be forgotten. Our hearts will be filled with love and sorrow that she is no longer here with us. Of course we know that she now she flies with the Angels, however there is that selfish part of us that will never understand why she had to leave this earth so soon.

I would say Rest in Peace Megan, but I cannot imagine that you will be resting. I see you running, laughing, and enjoying the perfection that God has granted you now.

   It is my Dad's birthday today... I thought I could just repost these words from Father's Day. I wish he was here to hear them. He has been gone almost 10 years. There is so much I wish I could share with him today..


Father's Day is here and it reminds me how much I miss my Dad. I wish I had one more minute, hour, day, lifetime with my Dad. It wouldn't matter how much time I had, it would not be long enough. I miss him almost every day. My grandson has been talking about the "Circle Of Life" lately. I know that losing your parents is just one more part of that circle. But it is one that you don't want to face.

My dad was not always the "perfect" Dad. but he was mine. And I never questioned whether or not I was loved. If I needed anything, all I had to do was ask. He wasn't at every school program or ball game. He wasn't one of those Dads. I never even thought about it then. He was just my Dad and that is how he was.

A carpenter his whole life, you only had to tell him what you wanted, and he could build it. The smell of sawdust and sweat is the most perfect smell in the world.  His striped overhauls and pencil behind his ear, this is how I remember him as a child. Before measuring tapes came around, the wooden folded measuring tape was one of my favorite toys...Of course, I got in trouble for playing with that toy.

He built the house where we lived in Texas. After moving to Oklahoma in 1968, He built another home in 1973. Of course he had help and my mother was very capable and built the cabinets...together they built us a new home.  They bought a place at Eufaula Lake. After he retired, he made a drawing and began to rebuild our cabin. It began as a 1957 travel trailer with a room built on the front complete with a porch. When it was finished, he had enlarged it by building a regular roof over it and tearing it apart and rebuilding it from the inside out.  He had help, but the plan was his and all the trim work was his. Our little "trailer" became a very nice house.


One of my fondest memories of Dad was our fishing time. It began when we were little and he would take us fishing while visiting my Grandma. I was married and started having children when they bought the place on Eufaula Lake. While we were there, Dad got up very early and I would get up with him. If I wanted to have any quite fishing time, I had to do it before my kids woke up. Drinking coffee on the porch listening to the birds wake up was one of my favorite parts of the day. Dad would tell me the names of each one of the birds as they began their morning songs. We spent many mornings sitting on the rocks with our poles in the water waiting on the fish to bite. If we were "Jug Fishing" He would take me with him out in the boat to pick up and bait the jugs back out. Our mornings would usually prove productive and we would bring home several good sized catfish. Dad and I didn't talk much, but we enjoyed spending this quite time together.

Growing up, Dad was a grouchy man. About the time I started having my children, he began to mellow. I am not sure, but I think Grandchildren have a way of changing Grouchy Men. I sort of witnessed this strange phenomenon again when my husband and I had our first granddaughter. Ha. But that is another story.   This thing that happens when men become Grandpas showed a side of my Dad I didn't know existed. All of the things he wasn't when I was a child, he gave to my children. And when you thought you had seen everything, His grandchildren made him a Great Grandpa. It got even more unbelievable. During this period of our lives, he became ill. Between Grandchildren and fighting for his life, he became the most loving man I know. I always felt loved, but the gentle way he was after the grand kids, I never experienced as a child.

 He had been a drinking man, and right before he got sick, he gave up that part of his life. My daughter was sort of angry by this. She felt he had wasted so many years and then he got sick. I am sure he regretted all those years, but life is what it is. Life is filled with regrets and should haves and could haves.We begin to mold into a person the moment of birth. Choices, life lessons, consequences, people, mistakes, victories, failures all come together to make the person we become. And we never cease to evolve until we die.

Dad loved us each with his whole heart. He made choices he was proud of and choices he was ashamed of.  But the man he was, I was proud to call my Dad. His life taught us to be proud, to have faith, to love, and what it means to be a good person. Thank you, Daddy, for all you taught us. I miss you and think of you every day. Happy Father's Day.

ABDICATE

I was doing an exercise from "Creative Writing Excercises Workbook" by Marjorie J McDonald. In the book, Exercise 3, you find a dictionary and close your eyes, skim down, land on a word and use that word in your title or story. My fingers landed on the word Abdicate. This is the result of that exercise.  So more of my rambling tonight. I hope it doesn't bore you to tears.

ABDICATE

Abdicate, to give up or to not fufill your responsibilities. There are so many times during your lifetime that you just want to ABDICATE. When you are a young mother and your baby hasn’t slept in days and so you are worn out and they are crying and you are at your wits end....I have been there. You just want to ABDICATE. You no longer want to be a mom right now in this moment. Of course that is a very short moment of which you will feel unnecessarily guilty for many years. I challenge any mother to say they have not had that moment.

It may not come when your baby is an infant, but when your baby is a young teenager trying to find his way in the world. He is defying you and what you have tried to teach him. And everything in you is screaming I ABDICATE....NO I DON”T WANT TO BE THE MOM... as you pick yourself up and dry your tears and put your big girl panties back on. And yes you will because inside that smart alec teen standing there is your little itty bitty baby that you love more than life.You may be at a loss on how you are ever going to teach them. And desperate that they will never grow up to be a responsible adult.. And again you will have many days of unnecessary guilt that will haunt you for many years over wanting to give up.

There will be many more times in your life as a Mom when ABDICATING will be the first thought in your mind. But as a Mom, you know that is not a choice. Mom is the best job in the world... well maybe not the very best..Ask your Grandma. I am both and I never thought I could love anyone more than my children. Well, I was wrong. And when my grandkids tell me...I have the best Grandma in the world...Well lets just say...I am glad I didn’t ABDICATE.

Life Lessons

You are never too old to learn life lessons. It is sort of a continuing education. When you are comfortable in your life, you can completely drop the ball and make a complete fool of yourself.

As you get older and wiser, you begin to realize that all those life lessons have actually taught you something. One of the things that I have learned is that I was way too judgmental in my younger years. When the kids were growing up, I thought that I knew it all and there was no other way than my way. Most things that I thought was just one way, I learned from other adults in my life. My parents, my pastor, my teachers...Everything was either black or white. There was no room for any gray areas. 

Growing up is not an easy as we think. It takes lots of life lessons. As I said before it is a work in progress and I don't know that we ever completely there. I thought I had finally gotten over being judgmental.  I am more open minded. I can see both sides of almost any argument to the point I seem wishy washy.  I just knew I had this...when I dropped the ball and made a complete fool of myself.

When they announced the new judges of American Idol I became so upset. I ranted on and on about Nicki Minaj. I had absolutely no idea of what I was talking about. I was judging her on the way she looked and what I felt she must be like. I saw her on an awards show looking like a giant Barbie Doll who couldn't even stand up on her own because of her shoes. I heard gossip and the paparazzi junk...and I don't even remember what it was except is was negative. I got on my soap box and no one was going to tell me any different because by golly "I know" she is just what????? I don't even know what I thought, because I was too busy KNOWING...

After watching American Idol the other night, I realized that once again, I was that person..That judged someone that I didn't know to the point that I sounded pathetic. I realized that I had been very stupid and showed my "Ass" in a very unbecoming way. I am not sure I like her or respect her yet, but I didn't even give her a chance.

I was prepared to come to class the next day and make a confession. Before I was allowed to do that, a person that I call a friend let me have it. It seems that not only had I made a complete fool of myself, I had let my friend down. When I got finished being a know it all "Witch" with a B, I had given her reason to think less of me. I deserved that and even more. I hope that she doesn't let that define me. Hopefully she will realize that I am human and make mistakes but I am still worth it.

 Looking at this one incident, I know this is a ugly truth about me. I am way too judgmental. I have come a long way, but not near far enough. Working on this will be a priority this year.

2013

2013 is here and it is time for another round of resolutions and promises that the beginning of the year brings. Every January 1st, we get a brand new clean notebook numbered from 1 to 365. I didn't actually think of this on my own, I borrowed it from someone else. I just read it somewhere in the past week. That doesn't mean it isn't true.

The fact is, this is a wonderfully healthy way to look at life. We give ourselves permission to let the things that we have done in the past stay there. This way we can actually forgive ourselves for not being perfect. So many times we fail because we set ourselves up to fail. We sabotage our chance at success when we bring our baggage with us. I think I blogged about this last year, or the year before.

Self Fulfilling Prophecy: A Self Fulfilling Prophecy is a prediction that causes itself to come true due to the simple fact that the prediction was made. This happens because our beliefs influence our actions.  

I think we have all been guilty of this. Remember when we were in school and preparing for a test. We did everything right. We took the notes, wrote the papers, studied the material and crammed all night long. The next day we go take the test. We know it, but somehow we second guess our selves and somewhere in the middle of the test we start getting overwhelmed and instead of acing the test, we get a low b or even a c. Why? Because we have told ourselves over and over and over, I am not good at taking test. Every time I take a test, I "choke" and I never can make an A. We make a prediction and then allow ourselves to believe that we can't do it and we just choke. 

They say that the definition of insanity is to continue to do the same things with the expectations of a different outcome. This is where the  Self Fulfilling Prophecy comes to bite us in the butt. It isn't that we don't want to change, or can't change..It is because we don't allow ourselves to believe that we can do it. We keep saying that I always screw it up and so guess what.. we do. 

I remember when I wrote this the last time. I gave myself a lot of pep talks and gave my self permission to succeed. I had some success and met some goals. I don't know what happened or where I let myself stop believing, but I had some set backs. But it worked so well, I am going to try it again this year.  And this year, I am going to take my brand new sheets of paper and try to write some new goals. I am going to look forward and not get bogged down by the old SFP. I am going to make new ones that are positive and bright. 

I know that this is the 7th and I am a week late. I am telling myself that it is because I haven't sit down yet this year to make my resolutions. It's not because I am the worlds worst procrastinator. That would be my first SFP of the year and I am not going down that road again. 

This would be Page 7 of 365. One of my new SFP's. I am going to write more. I am not going to sabotage  that by making excuses but by saying that I can do this. I will do this. I am going to write more.

Time for Some Christmas Love Again

Here it is Dec 2. Just 23 more days until Christmas. This is definitely my favorite time of the year. I just wish I could somehow figure out how to slow it down. It seems we are so busy living life, working, taking care of children, or going to school. We have a busy regular life and then we have to  squeeze in so much Christmas in 25 days. Is it any wonder why we try so hard to begin earlier and earlier each year?

For the retailers, we know that they are trying to squeeze every last dime from us to make all their numbers come out in black and staying out of the red. Christmas trees in stores in September before Halloween decorations, they do have an agenda. Have you ever noticed how they begin to play reruns of Christmas movies in the heat of summer? Hmmm...I don't think it is an accident. They play on all those warm and fuzzy feelings that we all get this time of the year.

That is just it...we all play right into that. It is such a magical time of the year, full of love and good will...we crave it.. we all want it. It is magical and it does bring out the best in almost everyone. Of course I know that it isn't wonderful for every one. There are still the lonely and homeless. Those that are sick and dying. People without family that love them. Children that still go to bed hungry. But the fact is everyone wants to make a difference. Just like the Grinch found out..Christmas comes no matter what. We all want a part of making it happen..It makes our heart grow so many sizes...just like the Grinch's did.

Everyone wants to reach out and help. People say "excuse me","Thank You", and "Please".  You see people reaching deeper into their pockets to help their neighbors and even strangers. This is the one time of the year that people give of themselves with no other thought but to help.  And it makes us feel so good. There is no other time of the year that people are more generous and giving. I just wish that we could keep Christmas in our hearts a little longer.

I know that God gave us his son on that first Christmas so many many years ago. Jesus was the ultimate gift. I can only imagine God's warm and fuzzy feelings for giving such a perfect gift. This is the reason for the season. And even when we get caught up in the commercialism of it all... I honestly believe that most every person knows that giving is better than receiving. The gift of giving is one that God has passed down to us. Learning to stretch that feeling throughout the year, would be a gift into itself.

So once again this year I will be trying to enjoy all 25 days.  I want to feel Christmas every day of the month. It seems I am not very good at it, because it is always over way too soon..But I will try. :)


 

Cons of Being a Member of The Big Foot Family

Yesterday I went shopping for shoes. I know that I tried at least 20 pairs. After putting on everything from heels to tennis shoes, I learned something I didn't know. My left foot is bigger than my right! This would probably not be such a big deal if my feet were a size 10 or below. You ask Why? I know you can't wait for the answer. For some reason, if you are a woman, they do not make half sizes in shoes over size 10. Does your feet ever stop growing? I am worried since I heard that they DO NOT.

I come from a family of Big Foots. My mother said that her Daddy always said she had a lot of "Under Standing". Well I could do with a little less. My Dad's foot wasn't that big. He was over 6 ft tall and had a 10 1/2 shoe. And although my Mom always thought she had a big foot in size 10, she doesn't hold a candle to my daughter. She wears a size 13. You probably didn't know they made size 13 shoes for women. Well the fact of the matter, they don't make very many.  Until recently, you couldn't get shoes over a size 10 at any of the department stores. Now you can get size 11 at Walmart and Target, but not all shoes there come in size 11. If you wear 11 1/2 forget about it. Payless Shoes have been selling size 12 for sometime and recently began selling size 13. Not very many styles and of course no half sizes for these bigger shoes. 

Yesterday, I found some really cute heels at Payless. I tried on a size 11 on my right foot. I walked around trying to convince myself that it was just a little snug, and since the size 12 would not stay on my foot at all, I really had no choice. So I tried on the left one. Well guess what...Nope, It really squeezed my foot and guess what...the size 12 was still too big on it. Can you see I am frustrated? I usually have to buy men's athletic shoes which make my feet look like boats... Well you could probably argue that my feet always look like boats. Well let's just say this. Regular women shoes make my feet look like a row boat...Men's athletic shoes...NOAH'S ARK!!!

Do you think I am all alone in the quest for affordable fashionable shoes that will fit members of the Big Foot Family? Do you know know that once I googled Transvestite shoes. And yes, you can find some very large shoes. Still don't think that they come in half sizes.

I finally found a pair of plaid canvas shoes at Target in size 11 that I can squeeze into. Then at Walmart I bought a pair of black women's size 11 Dr. Scholl's shoes that are very light weight and stretch just a little. I think I can make them work for me...with out too much pain.  I wore them today and am thinking very seriously about buying a white pair as well. I haven't given up on the heels that I tried on at Payless. I will just go to another store and buy them in a size 12...and try to keep them on my feet. Maybe some Velcro will do the trick.

I haven't completely given up on the idea of finding some Vampire Venom. Hey, if it can get rid of a few wrinkles and help my arthritic joints, I am sure it can help my Big Foot Syndrome as well.