For Anna

For Anna

You ask me for  a couple of sentences  about loving someone with autism.. I don't know if I can give you a tangible answer, because there is so many levels of love there. 

You know that most people are touchable...hugs, kisses, high fives. An Autistic child doesn't want that contact. So you continue to try and connect with them. But you know sometimes, I think that for them, they are sorry they can't give you what you want. I had a young man in class who had other disabilities as well as autism and he was nonverbal. He was my boy. I would try and hug him and he would shy away.  We would sit on the sofa and watch our movie. Sometimes he would actually cuddle up. He was about my height and standing close to him sometimes he would lean in for a kiss I think. I was never really sure. But I loved him on his terms.He is just one of many that I was blessed to help.

Each person doesn't fit the Autism Mold. IF they did we would have lots of little Rainmen running around. Also, we would have more of an idea of what they need. This is even more evident in the nonverbal child. He will find a way to communicate if you listen. His language takes lots of trial and errors on your part. You know Noah is like that. He does a lot of snapping his fingers. 

I digress. It is almost like when the child is born he gets to visit the big Autism Store. All the symptoms are on the shelf. And they get to choose which ones they want. Or maybe, they don't get to choose, but they are given them randomly.  

I know I have rambled here trying to answer this. I can answer this...

People will tell me it takes a special person to love and teach these kids. They are wrong. I am the one who is blessed by these children. I wake up everyday ready to go to work. They say it takes special parents to raise a child with disabilities. They will argue with that statement. I think the more appropriate statement would be "Sometimes it is more challenging, but having the opportunity to love these  children is a blessing." Speaking as the grandma, they have given me more love than I could ever think possible. 

Father's Day

Happy Father's day to all those Dad's out there. I have written about my dad and will probably repeat it to honor him tomorrow. But I think I want to honor some other fathers in my life.

My son...He has 5 children and he is the most awesome Dad I know. Watching him love his kids is one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. From the very first time he held Ryan in his arms you could see he was going to be great. He has always been a big boy, but his heart is bigger.

 I don't know many men that are as sensitive as he is. When he was a teenager, one of his favorite movies was "The Phantom Of The Opera". I know that isn't normal. I know too many boys. About this same time, he was planning what he wanted to do with his life. I can remember when I ask him what he wanted to be...what was he going to do with his life. His answer was "I just want to be a Dad."

Wendy met him when she was a junior in high school and he was a senior. She knew right away that she wanted him to be her husband. This is in the day and age when kids were not getting married right out of high school anymore. But they fell deeply in love and there was no talking them out of it.
Right away they had their first baby. Then number 2, 3 4, and 5. After 4 boys, Wendy finally got her baby girl. This is funny as Lloyd never wanted a girl. He always said they were nothing but trouble.

Now she has him wrapped around her little finger as most little girls do. She is all ribbons and bows, but she will drop kick you where it hurts. If anyone ever hurts that beautiful little girl, just pity the poor fool.

They have 3 boys on the Autism Spectrum. This is a challenge as well as a blessing. Wendy and Lloyd make a perfect team. I know that it isn't an easy life, however they make it look easy. Watching my son love his children is one of my greatest joys. He learned about being a dad from his own dad and his Pa. This is a testament of their love for him.

ABDICATE

I was doing an exercise from "Creative Writing Excercises Workbook" by Marjorie J McDonald. In the book, Exercise 3, you find a dictionary and close your eyes, skim down, land on a word and use that word in your title or story. My fingers landed on the word Abdicate. This is the result of that exercise.  So more of my rambling tonight. I hope it doesn't bore you to tears.

ABDICATE

Abdicate, to give up or to not fufill your responsibilities. There are so many times during your lifetime that you just want to ABDICATE. When you are a young mother and your baby hasn’t slept in days and so you are worn out and they are crying and you are at your wits end....I have been there. You just want to ABDICATE. You no longer want to be a mom right now in this moment. Of course that is a very short moment of which you will feel unnecessarily guilty for many years. I challenge any mother to say they have not had that moment.

It may not come when your baby is an infant, but when your baby is a young teenager trying to find his way in the world. He is defying you and what you have tried to teach him. And everything in you is screaming I ABDICATE....NO I DON”T WANT TO BE THE MOM... as you pick yourself up and dry your tears and put your big girl panties back on. And yes you will because inside that smart alec teen standing there is your little itty bitty baby that you love more than life.You may be at a loss on how you are ever going to teach them. And desperate that they will never grow up to be a responsible adult.. And again you will have many days of unnecessary guilt that will haunt you for many years over wanting to give up.

There will be many more times in your life as a Mom when ABDICATING will be the first thought in your mind. But as a Mom, you know that is not a choice. Mom is the best job in the world... well maybe not the very best..Ask your Grandma. I am both and I never thought I could love anyone more than my children. Well, I was wrong. And when my grandkids tell me...I have the best Grandma in the world...Well lets just say...I am glad I didn’t ABDICATE.

Angels

I have written about my job before. I am so fortunate that I found it and I feel so guilty calling it a "Job". I think that I would pay them to let me hang out there all day. There is no way to express how it has changed my heart. Who knew that loving children that didn't belong to me would be so easy and satisfying. I am absolutely certain of one thing. God blessed my life by putting these Angels in my world.

 I love my children and grandchildren, but my students at school are on another level. I don't love them any more than my own, but they certainly have that part of my heart I never knew existed.  We have 4 autistic grandsons that span the spectrum. When I see the challenges facing these precious children in my classroom, I know that we could be facing worse.

Right now, the challenge is to say goodbye to Megan. I am not ready to say goodbye. It doesn't feel like I have had enough time with her. I know that when God gets ready to bring us home, it is His choice. Wanda and I talked about how she would be perfect in Heaven. And I said that she was already perfect, but that she would be able to walk, talk and run. There would be no more pain and suffering. After taking care of her baby for 16 years,Wanda was worried about who would take care of her there. Of course she answered that question...God will.

For the past 16 years, she has been an angel here on earth. Her smile is beautiful and lights up the room. Her sky blue eyes sparkle when she laughs. She throws her colors and blocks across the room.
Her laughter for pulling such a stunt is contagious. Of course when we scold her for throwing those toys, she rolls her eyes at us.  I love to hold her soft hands. I always imagine cuddling up and watching movies with her. Her mom said she loves to cuddle. In our 5th hour, we play music. It doesn't matter what it is, she has a great time. She lights up, claps her hands and throws her head back and laughs.

The doctors have now said that they have done all they can. She is such a fighter, you just can't imagine her giving up. I don't think she actually gave up, but her heart just can't keep up anymore. So now it is God's turn to decide when to call her home.  I know that God is choosing a pair of Angel Wings and that nothing but perfect will be good enough.

So whenever he sends her wings and calls her home, we will lose a part of something wonderful. A piece of my heart will be broken. I don't know how to say goodbye. I don't know how to comfort her mom and dad, I don't know how, I just don't know how. I know that prayer will make it better, and I know that we will have plenty of those. My prayer for Ron and Wanda is that God gives them the strength to go on from here. I pray that he helps them understand how taking Megan from our lives is the best thing. I know they will not see it now. I cannot imagine it ever making any sense.

Megan, when God finds the perfect pair of Angel Wings, he will lift you in air and set you free. You will always be with us. We will see your smile in the face of a stranger. We will hear your voice in the wind. When we least expect it, we will feel your butterfly kisses on our cheeks. And although your heart will be silent, we will hear it. These memories you have given us are precious.

Thank you Wanda and Ron for sharing your beautiful Megan with me. She will have a special place in my heart that I will never let go.

Hunger Games vs Twilight

The one good thing about having a blog, when you get aggravated about a subject, you have a sounding board. I can rant and rave right here. My topic today is Hunger Games vs Twilight.  First of all, idiots that keep trying to compare them are really making me angry. It shows their ignorance and makes them appear stupid. If you are a critic and you don't like a book or movie, that is your prerogative. But when you are reviewing one entity why compare it to something you don't like.   So I am going to rant and rave here and try and get out my frustration.

First let's just review the similarities. This is a very short list.  The books are both fiction written for young adults by two different but amazing authors. The stories were so long that it took multiple books to tell them. The main character is a young girl and she has two young men that love her. The stories tell how the young girl goes on a journey and how she changes over the span of less than 2 years. They are both love stories, but within two completely different settings.  Both stories are depicted on screen in Hollywood. The lives of these actors have been drastically changed as the fans of the books and the press have lifted them to super star status. This is where it ends.

Twilight was chock full of supernatural, make believe, characters that could never exist except in our imagination. Vampires and werewolves were set in a world that we could only dream about. Not your scarey bloody full of horror monsters either. But a fantasy of the "bad guys" trying to be good. Bella falling in love with someone she shouldn't. The forbidden love. She gives up her world and life to be in Edwards. Not because she just fell in love, but because she feels she belongs there. And as for this fan of the books, sometimes the movies fell short of the mark, but the characters that came alive on the screen were perfect.  She went on a journey of discovering what she needed and wanted and what she could live with and without. All the odds were not in her favor and she had to escape death on several occasions. First the man made one where she was saved from being crushed by a van by Edward. Of course Edward had to deal with his family about what it could have cost him. She was saved from another vampire by Edward and his family. She was saved by yet another vampire by the Jacob and his werewolf brothers. She was saved from the mean and evil Victoria by the Cullens and Werewolves. And she was saved from death one more time after delivering her baby, Edward changed her into a vampire. So No these things cannot happen. This is just a story of forbidden love but in the end she gets everything she wants. Hello!!! A FAIRYTALE.....


The Hunger Games is set in a post apocalyptic world. Katniss is looking to save her family as well as herself. This is fiction, but it could happen. It has nothing to do with fairy tales or the supernatural. From the first page of this book, Katniss is trying to save her family. She volunteers to take her sister's place in the Games. Knowing that the odds are against her coming home. Either choice she had made, she is trying to save the lives of her family.  This young girl that is old beyond her years helps incite a revolution. It is far more reaching than that of a love triangle. This is not a choice of love, but of saving her family and the people she loves.  It is also a journey of finding out what she is capable of. Finding out what you would do and how far you would go.  And throughout the series of books, she suffers loss.  This is not a happy story full of magic and fairy tales.  In the end, she does finally get her Happy...but it is not without much pain and loss.


So when critics start acting like the real fans of both series, seriously would compare them it makes me so angry. "The Hunger Games" is such a serious subject. We know that.  The critics are using "The Hunger Games" to criticize "Twilight" yet again . That somehow comparing the two will make us believe that our Twilight world is less.  I know that this is a stupid Rant, but you know when you are a fan of something, you don't want someone making fun of it. I suppose when you look at how many books and tickets were sold, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. My opinion of the "Twilight" movies were not always favorable. I felt cheated that they left so much out. The last movie for the book fans, had to be the best. I have high hopes that "The Hunger Games" movie will hit the mark. Comparing the both of them, the actors they have chosen bring our characters to life.

One More Week till ECLIPSE

The countdown has begun and we are on the downhill slide. Eclipse will be out next Wednesday. However, unless someone walks over and gives me tickets, I won't be going until the weekend. I need less distraction when I watch my movie. The midnight viewing will be filled with so much excitement and "screaming" and I honestly believe I won't be able to concentrate on the movie. Too many distractions.

I have been a little less crazy this time around. I had to cool it...get a grip..lol No, being obsessed is not a bad thing if you can distinguish between real and make believe. I am constantly reminding my grand kids that this is just a story and these are just characters. My Billy Michael keeps asking me questions about Victoria's back story. Not just what she was doing, but everything about her. And why was she doing what she was doing. I have to remind him it is just a story, and I tell him..you can make it anyway you want. You tell me why she picked Riley. And I have trouble figuring out what do I say when he ask? If he was from Seattle, why was his parents at the Fork's police station...Well honey, When they made the movie they had to make some stuff up that wasn't even in the book...Kids are way smarter than we give them credit for.

This is book has some of my very favorite parts in it. It also lets us see just how much Edward loves Bella. He transforms from the 17 year old boy that fell in love for the first time to the more mature Edward that he really is. Looking back from the time he was changed at 17 until now when he is 108. Life experiences of course has his age far from the 17 year old that he will look his entire life. The much older, mature Edward had sort of skipped over this part of growing up. He just didn't know anything about it. So his first experience he had nothing to draw to for guidance. About 1/2 through Eclipse, his more mature side takes control and he tries to let Bella make the choices she needed to make. And because he always wanted her to stay human to save her soul, it made sense.

I have heard really good reports that this movie is great...But with the other two, while we enjoyed them, we couldn't help but hold it up against the books. There was no comparison. Leaving out so much important stuff. I have said it before but..These books and movies have made a bajillion dollars..They could have made them longer..just saying.  I just want them to make the movies as good as the books....PLEASE...Stephenie has us very spoiled. Just thankful that she has decided to stay in the Twilight world a little longer and give us a few more treasures.

I am going to post more blogs. I do have more to say than just stuff about my obsession...lol

Don't forget Wednesday June 30 "The Twilight Saga: Eclipse"!!!