Finding Christmas

 A few weeks ago I wrote about finding Christmas. I was having trouble finding the feeling, the excitement, the love but the most of all I was missing the reason. Then God gave me a gift that will change my life I hope.

On the evening of December 14, I had a brain aneurysm burst. Without knowing what had happened to me, Mike took me to the ER. I was in excruciating pain and my eyelid wouldn't stay open and my face was going numb. I thought maybe it was a stroke. A trip to one er and a transfer by ambulance to another hospital, I was where I needed to be. That is when I found out that my chances to die were greater than the chances to live. God had protected me and saved my life. He put me in the hands of capable doctors that did what was needed to

I will be in the hospital for 2 more weeks. I will miss Christmas with my family. All the worry about not finding Christmas has been lifted. My right eyelid will not open on it's own. The eye is fixed and dilated and the right side of my face is numb. The doctor's say that it could possibly heal but it will take months. I don't know how long I will be off work. I just know one thing. These things don't really matter. I have my life, my family and the most wonderful friends in the world. I am so blessed.
The outpouring of love has made me feel so humble. 

Where is Christmas?

Christmas
Remember those days when you were as excited as your kids waiting on Santa and sharing the love of Christmas. When even the years that were a little leaner, you found a way to make them happy. All the love that would make your heart grow ten sizes. The excitement and wonder that went into making it all come together. Finding the perfect gift to light up their eyes. And one day all those feelings were multiplied by ten because now you have grandchildren.

I love Christmas, I hate that sometimes or most of the time it flies by so quickly that I don't stop and enjoy it. This year, I have not found the excitement. I keep waiting for the feeling, and it just hasn't happened. I don't know where it is. It is less than two weeks away and I am running out of time.

I''m waiting for the magic to begin but it isn't. Maybe it's because life is in the way. I lost my best friend in July and I am losing my mom one day at a time. Her memories are being wiped out one at a time. I  wish that I could wave my wand and turn the clock around again. I pray almost everyday for her not to lose anymore. If she could just stay at this level, I think we could be okay with that. When I get stressed and the walls seem to be caving in, I just shut down. I put walls up and go into denial. If I do these things, then I can hide...right? No, it never works out for me like that, but that is how I deal.
I am sure it will happen, but the timing won't be right. I will be all out of time and have to wait until next year to see the magic.

I feel that maybe I have pushed Jesus Christ out of Christmas and now there is nothing left where my heart is. I know he is the reason for the season. His birth was a miracle and he was born to save us from sin. We get so caught up in the commercialism of Christmas that we forget that his son is really what it is all about. God gave us the greatest gift. There is nothing more important. Sharing our love with our family and others is what God wants of us. I believe that giving the gift of love will help me find the feelings that have eluded me so far.

"My Best Friend"

Sheryl Moore  (February 14, 1957 - July 28, 2019) 

Friends that  you meet later in your life are different than the ones you have when you are young. 

For instance, in elementary or jr high, your best friend and you are still forming how to have relationships and so you both have to like the same everything. You want to wear the same clothes, same makeup. You like or dislike the same people. You copy everything from each other. Favorite movie stars, bands, and even boys. 

Sometimes people remain life long friends. Through kids, husbands, dogs, politics, you stay friends for life. Sometimes, a lot of the time, these relationships grow apart as you grow. Not because you don't still love your friend, but you move towards different goals and have different opinions.

A friendship that blossoms later in life is much different. You go into the relationship knowing and respecting the differences that make you who you are. You have different ideas, but you find a common ground on which friendship grows. It is our differences that teach us to love things we never thought that we could. 

This Best Friend that I found in Sheryl was just like that. I remember the first time I met her. 

You know I am shy and self conscious and easily can just hide in plain sight. Especially when I am in a situation where I don't know anyone, I want to put my eyes down and just hide. 

I was trying to hide behind Mike that day when we went to our first STAR meeting. She was the LOS officer. I saw her smiling at me like a crazy woman. She came up and started talking and I was doing my best to hide. She didn't let me. I wasn't use to getting that much attention. I don't know why she tried so hard, but I am glad she did.

Over the last 14 years we became very best friends. As we grew closer, her family became my family and my family became hers. We were different and the same. Sometimes we didn't see eye to eye, but that was okay. We respected each other and was able to learn from each other. I loved her like family, like a sister.  We shared so much friendship and love. 

Friends are how we get through every day of every year. God puts people in our lives whenever he sees a need for them. Sometimes they are there to comfort us and support us. Sometimes they are there to teach us life lessons. He places them in our lives for however long we need them. Some friends are life long and others move through for just a quick minute.

I can't imagine why God decided that I didn't still need Sheryl. I am selfish as I know she is singing with the angels, Her broken human body is healed and she is no longer suffering. I know these things to be true, but my heart hurts and I already miss her so much.