Monday, October 18, 2010

Being A Teacher

You know that this makes the 3rd year that I have been substituting at my old Junior High. I never knew how much I would love this kind of work. It just suits me. I think that sometimes the different seasons of your life dictate of where you should be. The problem with that is I never prepared to be a teacher. For that reason, I take the lower pay and only do this part time. Most of the students love me and that is important. What I cannot get over is how the faculty and administrators treat me. I feel Golden and that doesn't mean in years. I am treated with so much respect and appreciation. They do not understand that I feel privileged to stand in for those that give so much.

I blame my danged old condition preventing me from continuing my education so that I can stand amongst the heroes that are called "Teachers". I know that I am not stupid, and eventually I might make it through. But now that I am 53, by the time I would graduate, if I could find a job, I would not be able to enjoy the kids but for a few years. You don't understand, I would have to go to remedial college before I could start real classes. So I get the best next thing. I get to share. Share the fun of being in these kids lives, possibly making a difference without all the baggage. I get to have the fun without the junk. I get to leave the paper work and administrative duties to the teachers. I don't have to deal with the parents and administrators.

I hope to make a difference and shine a light into that student that might be struggling. Nothing makes me happier than seeing a child believe that I believe in him or her. You can just tell sometimes when you make a connection. You know that teachers need more money. But now I understand why they are still working without that raise. It comes from the heart. 

I also get the opportunity to work side by side with the teachers. When I am working for a Para, that means I am in class with the real Teacher. I try to take away something from each opportunity I get. Thank you for giving me so much as you do your job.

A few more weeks of working in the severely handicapped class, and then I am back out in the general population. I love all sides of this job. So it doesn't matter which class I work in. But I do like to mix it up. To see the kids in different dynamics. Most of the teachers only see them in one situation. How they behave in their classes could be different depending on the mix of children in that hour. Is it before or after lunch? Do they love math, or is it their Achilles Heel? Maybe reading is where they shine. For me I see them differently on a daily basis.

So I will continue, for as long as they let me, to come in and enjoy these wonderful kids. Hopefully they won't realize I am not "Golden" for as long as I want to be there. 

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Friends and Responsibilities

Today on FaceBook, I could tell that my Granddaughter and her friends were struggling with being Friends, and what that means. And after I read what I had written, I thought, you know..there are lessons for us grownups as well.

They are learning how hard it is to be a friend. And how friendship means being committed. How life gets in the way sometimes of good intentions and How easily it is to lose a friend.

Here is what I wrote in bold Italics. My granddaughter sometimes makes remarks when I make a comment. This time, she told me it was amazing. Did I tell you how great she is...and at 14...What a wonderful gift she is.

I am sorry cause you know I am going to say something...sorry..I can't help it. There is a reason that people that are older are called Wise. There is a reason you think your parents don't understand. It isn't because we have never lived th...rough it. It is because we have lived through it. We have already made the mistakes and we have already learned some versions of the answers. And we tend to dismiss your feelings and expect you to understand because "We said so". It isn't right, it just is. You guys have to make your own mistakes and learn your own lessons. However, if you stop and take in just a little bit of what your parents say, You will find the lessons a little less hard sometimes. 

Now this first part, I thought they should know why we know what we know. I said that we have lived it, and now we have some version of the answers. I wanted to elaborate here. Tell them that no we don't have all the answers and the answers we do have are not necessarily Right...they are just how we perceived them and what we took away. For us to imply that they will not find anything different is to say that we know it all. Of course we don't. We just know how it was for us and the lessons we learned and what we did with those lessons. Our goal is to make sure that those life lessons do not derail them. We try and protect them from having to learn those lessons as we cannot be sure how hard they will be.

Now it seems to me that you guys are talking about friendships and how they seem to fade away. And how you push them away.
I don't know any details, but I will talk in generals. S
ome times friendships and relationships cost more than we can give.
We tend to get selfish with our friends. We don't want to share them. We don't want anyone else to have that BFF feeling with "Our BFF" That is too much pressure to put on anyone. No one can fill all our needs. And when we look to our "Friend" to do that, we are being selfish
Surely age has not changed us that much and  we are guilty of the same. We want our friends to stay close by. We cannot imagine that their lives could be important anywhere else. This is especially so with our spouses and our adult children. We want our children to be independent, but we get really clingy when we find they would rather spend time with their "Best" Friend and that is just not us. Of course this is how it should be, but that hurts our hearts. And we become selfish. And how we handle that tells a great deal about who we are.
 Now a true friend will be there for us. They will drop just about anything to help us. But if we are a true friend, we should respect that sometimes that just can't happen. That life gets in the way.
And sometimes, it is the thought that counts


You know exactly how much you can sacrifice for a friend. You think you do. Sometimes they ask so much from us, we think we can not give anything else. Or else we feel like we cannot give enough. And sometimes we have nothing to give at all. We want to make everything good for them, but there is nothing there.We feel guilty for not being able to give back what has been given. That is when the thought counts. Maybe it is just a phone call, or a note. Maybe a card in the mail. You can not judge tit for tat. I think that is what I am trying to say. There are friends that can pull out the check book. There are friends that have more time. But really, it isn't about what can you do for me now. Love is not measured about how much money or time you have. I know that I have friends that are constantly giving me gifts. I cannot do that as I don't have the money.  It is about the thought.
As we grow up, our world gets bigger and bigger. And friends will come and they will move on. This is where it gets tricky. We grow and since we are individuals, our directions may not be parallel. We can't expect our friends to love everything we do. We will meet people that our friends are not going to like. Your friend may not understand how you can be in the same room with that person. 

There is  a written verse about your friends or Sisters that come into your life. How you need them all. Some stay until you die, some are only here for a brief time. They are all important. Our world gets so big and then people pass through. We will have new friends, old friends, friends of friends. We will share hugs, prayers, laughter, prayers, tears, good and bad. We will lose friends through our own selfishness and stupidity. We will find out that everyone who claims to be our friend is not. We learn that we don't have to be friends with everyone we know. We will find that we have respect for some people we really don't like at all. And all of this will not come without a price.


OH now...We have the whole Boyfriend Girlfriend thing. This is where it gets really sticky. As we start dating, our friends start to feel a little excluded. And when they don't have a significant other at the same time, your friends start to get real jealous. And it isn't that they are mean. It is just normal stuff. It is how you handle the jealousy and your feelings and your friends feelings that makes you the person you are. 


Now here is definitely where things begin to change. Girlfriends and Boyfriends become Wives and Husbands. You find the person you want to share your life with. All of a sudden, you have a new best friend.  And as much as your BFF's have seen you through everything, this new love is different than anything else on earth. In it's infancy, you have trouble seeing anything else but that person. Of course that is the way it is suppose to be. And with that new person, comes another family. More brothers, and sisters, and parents. You have so many people in your life now. This time in your life is when you notice that you are not staying in touch with your friends as much. There never seems to be enough time. Of course their is nothing wrong with any of this, Life happens. Now you start having your own family. I am not saying you will lose your friend. Your friend just has another role in your life. They use to be the most important person. Now they are just as important, but they share it with others. 
If you have a long life with the same spouse and your children grow up healthy and happy, you will still need your friends. Because life is not perfect and there are going to be days when friends are what will keep you sane.


You guys will figure it out. Try to give each other the space you need. Try and learn that being friends doesn't mean that you have to be tied to each other 24/7. Learn that sometimes being right doesn't mean the other person is wrong.

And there was a saying that was made popular back in the 70's...
"Love means never having to say your Sorry" Well that is bull....even when you love someone with all your heart, If you feel you need to say " I am sorry" Then yes...the other person needs to hear it.


One more thing... Careful what you say in anger, Because that thing about sticks and stones is also not real true... Words between friends and loved ones will make scars that do not easily heal. A broken heart will take much longer to heal than a broken leg. In fact, sometimes those scars never heal.

All of these things I believe are true.  Saying your sorry is important. Never be afraid to make amends. You will not always see eye to eye, but never forget to treat each other with respect. This does sound like a lot of work. Well you know the good things in life usually do take work.  Sometimes it is a great deal of responsibility to take care of a friendship. When life gets busy, it is easier to let your friends go. Not returning calls, missing lunch dates, not remembering birthday cards...This is when your true friend doesn't worry about it. They might call and ask, "Is something wrong? What can I do to help?"  And you know that when the day is over, they will be waiting on the other end of the phone when you do have time to make that call.  Friends are like that you know.

Friday, October 1, 2010

I Love My School KIds

It seems that I have lots to say about lots of stuff. I know this is not very good grammer, engilsh, or composition, it is what it is. . I feel I like I am getting ready to RAMBLE...Fair Waring here..OK here goes...
If you know me, or if you don't know ME, but have read my blog...And I am sure not many people have, but if are know anything, you know that I have only worked in the school since the fall of 2008. I began substituting in October of that year.  At first I was a little scared, and I was only doing it because you know, I needed a little extra money. But then I settled down at one school

A school I attended the first time in 1969 as a 7th grader. Wow that was a long time ago. And I made this school my home. My grand daughter was in the 7th grade there when I started. She was loved by friends, acquaintances and teachers. And as I started becoming a regular in school and the children knew me and liked me, it became more than a job. I absolutely love it. I came home this week everyday, dead dog tired, and I walked in to the house today after work...I said..Mike I love love love my job.

I don't think I've ever regretted not going to college to get a degree until now. I know it is never too late, but to go back to school, I would waste years that I could be enjoying doing what I am doing right now. I think I grew up too late. Of course when my kids were young, and living at home, it was all about making a living and trying to get them through school. I didn't do a very good job at either.

Today was the Moore High School Homecoming Parade. And as we stood outside at the street and watched the students coming, I was trying to see the students that had touched my life and then moved on to high school. The pride in my chest was so big as I saw them and they waved. And my heart grew ? how many sizes today. And I just want them to succeed and be the best that they can be. I want them to enjoy being kids and I want them to reach the stars. I want the hard lessons to touch them in only positive ways.

I know I have grown since my children were this age. And the advice I gave them, probably wasn't the best. I know just by the way they have grown up, I got some of the important things right. They are kind and compassionate humans that care for other people. They love each other and their families. They respect Mike and I.

But I feel guilty that I wasn't always the person they needed me to be. I have to say I am not as open minded as I should be, but I am getting better. I do believe there is such a thing as being too open minded, but enough said about that. As far as my kids, I could write for days on how badly I messed up as a parent. I hope they know I love them, and when I was psycho mom, it was more about me than it was about them. And it is a price children pay when you have them too young literally and emotionally. Of course all parents make mistakes...you just love your children and do the best you can.

Back to my school kids. I have this thing called "can't keep my mouth shut when I have an opinion". Well not exactly my mouth, but more my fingers. So over the past 2 years, most of my kids want to be my friend on Facebook. Of course I will be your friend. But when you post something on line, you risk me telling you how I feel about it. And if I think there might be a lesson to learn, or if I can think of some thing that I think would be good advice, I am going to tell you. If you are being a diva, I might tell you. I am going to tell you how beautiful you are whether you want to hear it or not.

Now all of this being said, I just have to say I love all my students. And unlike the teachers.. I see these kids in may different scenarios. It is hard to be a brand new teenager. All those hormones...mixing you up. All the peer pressure to fit in. The social stuff at school is so important. But we still have to fit school in there somewhere. At the age when we have decided that our parents and teachers are just plain stupid. And we feel that nothing we do is good enough. And the pull between doing what is right and what we really want to try. And why are the consequences so hard....And then zits and braces and hair that won't look like every one else.

So here I am on Facebook and these kids respect me enough to want to be my friend. I am sure parents are saying who is this crazy lady. But even though I don't like being this old woman, these kids act like they have a respect for me...."ME???" Goodness Gracious...why??? But they do. And when I see that they are having a hard time, I can't keep my mouth shut. I do try to come across to them that their Parents, Teachers, and Clergy Person are the most important and what they say is the rule. I think sometimes they need to hear from someone who is not a parent, or relative that they are special and beautiful. You know..it is like, your parents have to love us, but Mrs. Mathes said that about me.???Maybe it's true. I had a teacher like that. I observed the way that she made the kids that maybe didn't fit in anywhere feel special. Those kids that had to have a little more pushing to get their work in...maybe a trouble maker in another class. She made them feel good about themselves. I hope I can do this for my kids. They are so worth it.

I hope that they can see I really, really mean it.  I also try to make them understand that the teacher that pushes them, really loves them.. Mrs. Yaffe is a great woman who has been teaching a very long time. She pushes them because she knows that if she doesn't...they will have a very difficult time in school and life. I hope I can make them see to grasp all that these special teachers can and will give them.

I warned you this was going to be long. All this to say...I love love love my job...love the kids, wish I had been a teacher when I grew up, hope the kids respect me and learn how very special and important they are.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

The Day Our World Changed 9/11/2001

This was a day that our life as we knew it ended. Our whole beings were shook to the core the day we realized that we were not "safe". We were made aware that there was indeed this much hate in the world. More hate than most of us could ever think possible.
And that hate was aimed at our nation. The nation we were so proud of. Our God was literally under attack. And that hate washed over us and made us think of things we possibly had never thought of before. Anger, hate, helplessness, fear, pain, thoughts of the most horrific revenge.

As we watched over and over that day, the planes slamming into the buildings, and watched it live, people throwing themselves from the windows to their death. The fear of burning to death, sent them to a quicker release from fear and pain. The we stopped thinking and we were numb as the media kept these pictures in our thoughts. I cannot imagine how those people at ground zero were coping with the terror. Watching and waiting and looking for loved ones that would never come home.

Our nation stood up that day together to pick up the pieces and somehow go on with our lives. We have tried to understand how someone could hate us so. We had to look at ourselves with different eyes to see how we got here. If somehow it was our fault.
Of course it is not our fault that people Hate.
We had to learn hard lessons on diversity and what that really means.The "Constitution of the United States" was written for every citizen without prejudice of their beliefs. "Our Nation under God indivisible with liberty and justice for all" means just that.

We must never forget the day America was attacked. We must remember those that died because of hate. Learn that we have to be diligent in watching out for those that would cause us harm.
And remember that hate breeds hate and it has to stop with us. I pray that God will take hate from our hearts and let there be peace.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Autistic Teen Finds Inner Voice

I found this on Face book today. I am so happy for this young girl and her family. We have our Noah and he is extremely autistic. He has most all the same symptoms as this young girl. We have often said that we believe much of Noah's melt downs are the result of him not being able to communicate with us. He seemed a little better once he was able to show us what he wants. But now that isn't working either. His reactions to what goes on around him are unacceptable in society. His fits that a normal child would have end up hurting him and others around him. He lashes out with head banging and hitting, if he can't hit you, he hits himself. In fact most of his tirades are against himself. In the course of one of these fits, he lashes out at anyone close. So if it is in the car, his brothers and baby sister are the victims. If you are trying to calm him so that he doesn't hurt himself or others, then you are the victim. Today, my arms are covered with scratches and bruises where he held my harms and pinched me with his fingernails. Of course, his ribs have to hurt. He beats himself in the ribs. They must be so tender to the touch. I don't think he feels the pain the same way we do.

This young girl, Carly, has put into words what we always want to know. Why do you do this? Sensory overload is basically the reason. Everything effects them sensory wise. And they are trying to stop that. The senses as we know them, mainly bring us pleasure. Like music, laughter, the wind blowing through the trees. Sunshine on our faces, the smell of a brand new morning. For Autistic children, the breeze that feels that good to us might feel like knives cutting their skin. And all they do to try and make that stop.

I think I understand to an extent. I have fibromyalgia. Sometimes my hair hurts. And the wind blowing across my skin makes me want to scream. My clothes have to fit me a certain way. Sometimes I change clothes several times a day. And I will find something that is comfortable finally. It might be the same thing I tried yesterday and it didn't work. Loud noises make me insane. Loud noise physically hurts me. And the only difference between  Noah and myself, is that my mind works differently. I know how to channel the appropriate reaction. I can communicate to those around me. I hurt, leave me alone. I can tell them the music is too loud. I can speak for myself. I may not understand why, but I understand what.

Carly tell us that she feels she is on fire. She says that her head fills like exploding and letting everything out.
I am so so happy for her and her family. Hopefully we will be able to learn from her the What. Scientist and Doctors could learn what is going on, and then they can come up with the why. Our hope is one day, that they can develop a way to treat the mind and take away the pain.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

First Day Back At School

 Today was my first day back and I am tired. But I enjoyed it so much. I do love working with these kids and I will be in this classroom for 6 weeks. They are so special. It is the extremely handicapped class and each student is awesome in their own way.

Some are in wheel chairs, most cannot speak or even feed themselves, but that is not Who they are. That is just the body that they were given. They will break your heart because you wish so much better for them. At the same time, they give us so much back. Most of them are basically non verbal, and cannot tell you with words what they want or need. They speak with their hearts and they have so much to say. Also, you do not need words when you hear their laughter. The sound grabs your heart and it doesn't let go.You know that in that minute, they are truly happy.

Each child has their own personality. And although they are mostly happy and smiling, you know when they are upset or having a very bad day. When they cry and we don't know why, we feel so sad for them. Just like everyone else, they need love and hugs and encouragement. The smallest acknowledgment will light up their faces.

The families of these children have a hard life. I believe it is always 1 step forward and 3 steps back on a regular basis. Sharing and trusting us with the care of their babies is not an easy thing to do. I would like the parents to know that Giving them a feeling of  happiness, comfort and contentment  while I am caring for them is my goal. Treating them with dignity and respect is a priority. I hope at the end of the day, these special angels know how much they are loved and I have made a difference in their lives.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

A Strange Day

Writing everyday is very important. And if you write it in a blog, you are sort of held accountable.So I figure I would just write about a funny thing that happen today

This was a very interesting day in it's own way. At about 8:00 this morning, Mike called from the hospital. He wanted to know if we borrowed a travel trailer or camper. What? No, Dear, I don't think so. When? He said that he just thought we had. Hmmm Can you say Morphine talking? Later in the day, He said, "You know that medicine you take?" Yes. "You know what I am talking about?" Yes. "Well how do you make the pictures clear?" Hmmm, we were watching TV sort of, I was trying to find something on. I realized he was being weird again. I answered "The remote?" He said, "How does that work?"  Well on channel 31, it is TNT. He was sort satisfied with that answer. So he drifted back to sleep. Lyssa, my daughter called and asked if I wanted to get out of there for a while. She came by and picked me up. I was back in about an hour.

This time it was even more elaborate and colorful. He said "You missed the police coming in." What? While I was gone? "Yes, they were here being loud and I told them to be quiet. Who?  The police came and arrested them. "Who?" "You know, Crystal, BJ and Vincent.  Now we need to go and get our things." What things? They took something of ours? What?""Well, they took it, and we need to pick it up." What?" My cell phone and our marijuana." WHAT. WE don't have marijuana. We don't do drugs! Okay, I am trying to go along without laughing. I just said "Well Dear, there is your phone." He looked at it. "And we don't Have Drugs". He said "Oh yeah I guess they didn't get anything of ours."
Now the people he was talking about were kids of a friend of ours. They are all thieves and druggies. But he really likes his friend and so we tolerate the kids. Actually Mike thinks he can save them. Then he tells me "We could go over there" WHERE? But I played along. "I don't think Dr.Carey will let you leave the hospital yet." He said "No, but you could go." I am not sure where I am going or why, but I said "Okay". This went on and on. He called another one of our friends and ask him if he was there and a part of it. He told Mike no. He didn't know anything. I sent him a text a few minutes later to tell him it was the good drugs that Mike was getting.

After that, I gave him another sponge bath and his supper came in as well as his doctor. After the doctor left, I went down and ask him if was getting rid of the morphine. Yes. I let him know that was great since he didn't know how dangerous it was for us there. That the police had been here and things had been real dicey.

This is my funny story today. Now I know that Morphine and other drugs can do that to people. But it seems he has been on it for a week, and it just now started making him talk like a crazy man. He had been sleeping non stop, but the dreams were staying away. I do hope that it was the drugs and not the lack of oxygen. His oxygen levels had been down and they had to almost resuscitate him that first night. I am hoping that there wasn't any brain damage. He may be angry that we told the doctor to get rid of that pain pump. I don't want him to be in pain. His lungs are not in the best shape and he really needs to be up and walking. That pain pump was not letting him wake up well enough for that. I hope that they don't let him come home until Wednesday.

We have been married almost 36 years and I cannot imagine life without him. I truly hope he never has to suffer this again. We had one of the most incredible vacations ever this summer. We returned home the Sunday before he had this surgery. I thanked him for a wondrous time, I hope he realizes how much I loved it. How much I love our life together. It isn't perfect, but is anything perfect. In our marriage, we have had beautiful times and oh so horrible times. Somehow through everything we continue to come out on the other side.

Get well my Husband, my friend. I have many more memories I need to make with you.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Happy Birthday to Me

Well today was my first ever Backwards Birthday. Why didn't I think of this before? I think I am beginning a pattern here. Writing once a month. Not a great thing is it?

My husband Mike, is in the hospital. He has had his one millionth hernia repair surgery. Of course I am exaggerating, but it is over 20 and less than 30. I hope that this is the last one. I should be writing on my project for pay or on my book, but neither is getting done tonight. Way too much time spent on Facebook and Twitter. I haven't even checked my main email account. geesh. Oh well, I will do that tomorrow.

 On the Writer's Digest Facebook page, I wrote that when I write to just babble, it is much easier than working. Because then of course it is work. And when I am trying to "work", I become the most popular person in the house. MOM, DEAR, or my phone ringing...Come Hither and take care of me. It is as if I don't have anything else to do as I am playing on the computer..that 's all. Hmmm..well I have to say I am just as guilty. When I am suppose to be working, I can think of a jillion and one things I need to be doing.

Speaking of the Writer's Digest, I found them from a suggestion on Twitter. I found some very good information and articles to help me with my writing.  I can use all the information I can get my hands on. My next goal is to take a writing class of some kind. One class a semester. I need direction in my composition. You know all the stuff we learned in school, but if you don't use it, you loose it. I know that I have for sure. When I am lucky enough to be in a classroom with a real teacher, I take that opportunity to learn and participate in the classroom. I know it is only junior high level, but it helps. And sometimes I feel great when I can remember. The classroom I dread in junior high is the math classes. Ask me how to add, subtract, multiply or divide and I am there. Ask me about equations and all that other stuff....I am NOT there.
 I usually have the students help each other or I look the answers up in the book.

Okay, I have written a little today, so I am outta here. It is midnight, and I need to do some laundry before I hit the hay. And my birthday is over until next year. 50 Here I come...lol

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Time and Getting Older

When I turned 50, I was like OK. "Half my life is over, but I have another 50 years and life is getting better and better. I plan on living at least another 50 years." Then I turned 51 and it seemed like 2 weeks later I was 52.

"Time" has always really depressed me. Even as a child, I can remember being depressed every new year. When we would return to school after our Christmas holiday and the first thing you do is write your name and date on a paper. I always felt such a sense of loss when we changed the year. I mean for 12 months you use the same year and then it is over. Done. Never get it back. I know that at the young age of 8 or 9, I didn't understand the feelings, I just knew I didn't like it.

Another thing that has always bothered me is the fact that Time passes so quickly you never get to enjoy the moment. For instance, those birthday milestones that we can't wait for when we are growing up. When I am 12, I get to wear makeup. When I turn 16, I get my license. Oh wow, I am 18 now.(When I turned 18, girls could buy beer and was more a legal adult than boys. This was later changed and everyone had to be 21 to be a legal adult.) Of course at 18 I was married. That was more common when I was that age. I was kind of at the end of that era. The one where girls were expected to stay home and care for the babies while the men made the living. The getting married has worked out pretty well for me. Mike and I celebrated our 35th wedding anniversary in December. The staying home was a different story. I began working full time in 1983.

But I digress....21 is the really big birthday, Right. But you realize that 21 is just a number and it passes by so quickly. It is sort of like Christmas. When you are young, you spend all year waiting for Christmas. At first it is sort of well next year I will ask for this or that...and then you go back to school, and start waiting for summer break...which of course seems like forever until it gets there...and then it is like a few minutes and school is starting. Well then you are waiting for Christmas..That is the best...Presents and Food and NO SCHOOL...So you start getting excited and your parents start playing the "Santa Clause" card really early...You better be good, cause Santa is watching...And finally it is here, and reality it is over in just 1 day.

For me, this is the way the way everything is....I feel like time should slow down and we can enjoy the moments we look forward to. Instead, we are looking ahead before we can even remember what the last one was. And in reality, looking ahead is a good thing. If we didn't look ahead, where would our dreams come from. How could we tolerate the moments that aren't so good. The ones that we really do need to leave behind and get over quickly.

Now back to my personal dilemma.When I turned 52 last year, I started yearning for my younger years and the passion that comes from living. I started feeling like my next 50 years would be over way too quickly. My newest Granddaughter was only 7 days old. And my oldest had turned 13 the month before. My Dad passed away at 67. That was only 15 years away for me. If I was that young, my Lilly would be so young. My Anna girl would only be 29. Chances are, I will live longer than my dad did. But you never know, life is so fragile really...

Oh and then the Vain Cindy came out. I didn't want to look so old. How could I look younger? And even if I did look younger, that wouldn't last long either. Of course, if you have read any of my blogs, you know I had the perfect answer. A little bit of Vampire Venom to take away the wrinkles. I know..crazy, but the side of me that likes to believe in fairy tales is still looking for it..lol.

My reality is that some of this helped me into my winter of depression. UGH. There is no rhyme or reason to depression. Chronic depression like mine has different triggers. And one trigger can set you up for it. Because the dark hole starts out as your friend. You are feeling sorry for yourself or someone else and you slip in and you can hide there. But then it gets too easy to stay...and while you are there, it is easy to block everyone else out. Seems no one can find you if you don't let them. And you pop out and try and act "normal", but as soon as they let you, you slip back in...And one day, you wake up and you are tired of the feelings. and you look around you and you are just feeling hopeless because you can't pop out...Heck you can't even see the light.
Sometimes I can get out of there before it takes me under, but this time, I had to have help. Called my counselor and we did some work. Well I am much better, but I know that I walk around all the time with one foot at the edge of the hole. so I digress again.I guess you probably didn't know that I was going to write a book this morning.


My birthday is coming around again this year. I decided some time this year that I no longer was going to have forward birthdays. I am going to start counting them backwards. I can't figure out if I will be 51 or stay 52 one more year. I think 51. 52 was one of those years I need to forget as quickly as possible.

So Happy Birthday to me and at the ripe old age of 51, I am looking forward to being 50 next year ;) Even though I am going backwards now, I hope that I take the time to enjoy everyone of the 49 years I have left.

Well my backyard is getting warmer and the ants are eating me, so I suppose I will close and head on into the house. OH and you see, I only mentioned my obsession once and if you didn't know I was obsessed with it, you would even know...My Twilight World...lol

Friday, June 25, 2010

One More Week till ECLIPSE

The countdown has begun and we are on the downhill slide. Eclipse will be out next Wednesday. However, unless someone walks over and gives me tickets, I won't be going until the weekend. I need less distraction when I watch my movie. The midnight viewing will be filled with so much excitement and "screaming" and I honestly believe I won't be able to concentrate on the movie. Too many distractions.

I have been a little less crazy this time around. I had to cool it...get a grip..lol No, being obsessed is not a bad thing if you can distinguish between real and make believe. I am constantly reminding my grand kids that this is just a story and these are just characters. My Billy Michael keeps asking me questions about Victoria's back story. Not just what she was doing, but everything about her. And why was she doing what she was doing. I have to remind him it is just a story, and I tell him..you can make it anyway you want. You tell me why she picked Riley. And I have trouble figuring out what do I say when he ask? If he was from Seattle, why was his parents at the Fork's police station...Well honey, When they made the movie they had to make some stuff up that wasn't even in the book...Kids are way smarter than we give them credit for.

This is book has some of my very favorite parts in it. It also lets us see just how much Edward loves Bella. He transforms from the 17 year old boy that fell in love for the first time to the more mature Edward that he really is. Looking back from the time he was changed at 17 until now when he is 108. Life experiences of course has his age far from the 17 year old that he will look his entire life. The much older, mature Edward had sort of skipped over this part of growing up. He just didn't know anything about it. So his first experience he had nothing to draw to for guidance. About 1/2 through Eclipse, his more mature side takes control and he tries to let Bella make the choices she needed to make. And because he always wanted her to stay human to save her soul, it made sense.

I have heard really good reports that this movie is great...But with the other two, while we enjoyed them, we couldn't help but hold it up against the books. There was no comparison. Leaving out so much important stuff. I have said it before but..These books and movies have made a bajillion dollars..They could have made them longer..just saying.  I just want them to make the movies as good as the books....PLEASE...Stephenie has us very spoiled. Just thankful that she has decided to stay in the Twilight world a little longer and give us a few more treasures.

I am going to post more blogs. I do have more to say than just stuff about my obsession...lol

Don't forget Wednesday June 30 "The Twilight Saga: Eclipse"!!!

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Writing a Story/Manuscript/Book

You know, I have wanted to write a stories and or a book for a long time. And I know I have written here a few times about this. After talking with a few people(authors), and reading, I have a little bit more knowledge, or should I say idea about how to go about it. Oh, don't get me wrong, I have so much to learn. I know it isn't perfection, but I am going to stumble through this and try to finish one creative process.

I understand now that you don't just sit down and start writing. That you have to learn each of your characters beyond that sentence that you meet them in the story. And everything from their names to the place and time they were born is important.

So I have started my story, and now I have started writing about my characters. So in a sense you have to have a story for each one. I see what Stephenie Meyer means when she says her characters won't shut up. I have to say that I would rather my characters be shouting than sitting there telling me nothing at all.

I have wondered why my dreams are about people I have never met. I mentioned this to my counselor, I told him sometimes I closed my eyes and it is like "Show Time". All of these people or characters that I have never met start doing things that I don't even understand. He said maybe I should write it all down. Well that would be great, but I very seldom remember it well enough to make sense of it.

I began to read that this is what writers do. They dream about stuff and grab a pencil to write down their thoughts before they lose them. My friend, Diane Chamberlain, said to keep a pen and paper beside the bed and when I wake up to jot it all down. I am going to have to be more diligent at it.Who knows what I will find.

I was listening to a taped radio show where Diane was interviewed. The interviewer asked her if she had any advice to new writers that were trying to get published. Her advice was to take some classes. Especially in composition. She explained that she had read some very good story ideas that were poorly written. It was sad that these very creative people would not get published because they lacked the knowledge of basic writing.

Knowing that I lack skills and knowledge in that area, I am going to enroll in a class this fall. I also need to build my vocabulary. I have been blind about my skills in vocabulary. Now that I am working with 7th and 8th graders I can see how important it is to learn this. I am surprised at times when they ask me about a word that they don't know. I hope that they can see why every class has you do vocabulary. Every class from math to home economics presents a new set of vocabulary words.

I may never write a novel that the whole world will see and buy, but maybe I can put words down on paper to satisfy my need to write. And like Stephenie Meyer wrote when explaining how Twilight was born, it was never meant to be for anyone but me, I will be happy to have a finished piece with a beginning, middle and end. It will be completely finished and it will belong to me. If I decide to share it with anyone else, well I hope they will say " Wow, that was very good and well written".

Note: I came back to edit this today and you know, I was having trouble keeping my eyes open last night and in fact fell asleep a few times while writing it down.

Friday, May 21, 2010

E-Readers

I suppose you have probably heard of those little computer like books. Sort of like an I-Pad except that it isn't. It isn't really a book. It is actually a reader...An E-Reader.

I was at the doctor's office this week, and I witnessed a woman with a device in her hand that looked to be the size of half a sheet of paper. So being the bold and chatty person I have become, I asked her if it was an I-Pad. That is when I got my first look at the e-reader. I couldn't believe how really awesome it was. You can carry your entire library around in your purse. She got so excited telling me about it. I am putting that on my Birthday/Christmas wish list right now. If they hear it enough, maybe they will take a hint.

I got a touch phone around Christmas. And I really wanted a laptop, so I just put the Internet on my phone. So I sit in my chair and surf the net while watching tv. My husband just shakes his head. For Mother's Day I got a laptop from my children. Now I sit in my chair and play on my laptop, Twitter on my phone and watch tv. I am really driving my husband crazy now. But that is my job after all. Isn't it always our jobs to drive men crazy. I have a theory about that. I will have to make a separate post about that. In fact, I can't believe I haven't already. Well maybe I have, better look before I start blabbing about it. 

Friday, May 14, 2010

May 14

Just thought that I would ramble a little this evening. We are getting to ready to go and see my newest, dearest and closest friend Russel Crowe in "Robin Hood". He is my new friend on Twitter, so I know we are going to be close. LoL..You wish that you could just introduce your self and say "Hi". But I know that isn't going to happen and the fact that you answer them and ask them questions like they are listening, well I guess that makes you a stalker. The internet surely has made stalking easier.LOL

I really enjoyed Kevin Costner as Robin Hood, but I imagine that Russel is going to make Robin a bit more to the actual Robin Hood. Would it not be cool to get to play dress up and Robin Hood like we did when we were kids. Have kids forgotten how to play? Remember when we were kids and we would act out these movies. I know that some of my grandkids do, however, most kids don't seem interested. Maybe the ones that do are going to be actors. I could live with that. Anything to get to the red carpet. To glam out for one night. Heck Tamara said that she might get an audition over at the Yellow Rose Theater and I am begging her to let me audition to....

Only 7 more school days...I am sad about that. My 8th graders are getting ready to move on to the high school..I will miss them. Maybe next year I will have to sub over there for a day or two...Now that I have two 8th grade classes that have moved on I will have a chance to see some of my students. Wow I didn't know I would love teaching so much.

Moving on, I got laptop for Mother's Day. My wonderful kids did that for me. Now I haven't got any more excuses for not writing my book. So I have to get busy now. I am going to take a creative writing class at the vo-tech. Well, I will probably take a composition class and a writing class. So that these thoughts I have can be written down in a way that people can actually read and understand.

If my daughter in-law can go to school with all those kids, surely I can take two classes.
Do you think that I can take them online? I will look that up.

Well I am going to try and enjoy the rain and stay dry. There is surely a lot I can do inside if I want to work.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Hello Friends

It has been so so long since I have posted here. What can I say except I have been in the pits of depression. I hate depression. You think that everything is good and you are coping and life is good and then...suddenly you realize you are in that black hole with no idea how you got there. In the past, when I knew that I was sliding there, I could do the work and find my way out...But when you are living there without a clue, and one day it is so dark and you can't even find it in your self to look up. If feels better not to think about looking up, you know that you need help. I called my counselor and said "Help" I don't feel like helping my self, but I know that I don't like feeling this way...that hopeless feeling. And what makes it even worse is the guilt you feel for feeling that way...So he is once again trying to help me find my way up. I love him, but I always joke about having to pay him to be my friend.

The Guilt is almost worst than that hopeless feeling. Well not worse, but the same just different. Because you don't know how on earth you could be feeling so bad when you have no reason to. I know so many people with more problems and they seem to have it all together.

I quit checking my email, I quit checking my forums where all my online friends hang out...I just exited. Right about Thanksgiving I got a new cell phone. It is a Samsung Hilight. I also got internet access. So I can check some of my favorite websites.  I can go to face book, I can Tweet...and I don't have to even leave my chair....

Now I know that my depression is seasonal and when the weather is better and I can get outside, I do feel better. So since I started seeing Randy, and spending more time outdoors, I am feeling better...just not quite there yet. and some days I don't have the strength to even try. So I am going to get more active on my blog and journals. I am going to take a step everyday to feel better...and I will be back to write more.

The one thing I regret is I destroyed my online job. The one where I had a wonderful boss who trusted me to sit down at least an hour or 2 a day and write for him. And he doesn't even know how much I appreciated his patience and friendship. Now it is just gone...cause of this damn depression kicking my butt....Well hopefully one day he will just write and say hello and let me know how he is and what he is up to. I have never met him, but he works with kids and loves it and he dedicates his time each year to work at a camp for kids in Pennsylvania even though he is from Great Britain.
That is one sure way to gauge someones character...How much love and support they give to kids.

I promise to be back again to write all about my world and continue to bore you all to death...
love you all
Cindy

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