Sunday, July 25, 2010

Time and Getting Older

When I turned 50, I was like OK. "Half my life is over, but I have another 50 years and life is getting better and better. I plan on living at least another 50 years." Then I turned 51 and it seemed like 2 weeks later I was 52.

"Time" has always really depressed me. Even as a child, I can remember being depressed every new year. When we would return to school after our Christmas holiday and the first thing you do is write your name and date on a paper. I always felt such a sense of loss when we changed the year. I mean for 12 months you use the same year and then it is over. Done. Never get it back. I know that at the young age of 8 or 9, I didn't understand the feelings, I just knew I didn't like it.

Another thing that has always bothered me is the fact that Time passes so quickly you never get to enjoy the moment. For instance, those birthday milestones that we can't wait for when we are growing up. When I am 12, I get to wear makeup. When I turn 16, I get my license. Oh wow, I am 18 now.(When I turned 18, girls could buy beer and was more a legal adult than boys. This was later changed and everyone had to be 21 to be a legal adult.) Of course at 18 I was married. That was more common when I was that age. I was kind of at the end of that era. The one where girls were expected to stay home and care for the babies while the men made the living. The getting married has worked out pretty well for me. Mike and I celebrated our 35th wedding anniversary in December. The staying home was a different story. I began working full time in 1983.

But I digress....21 is the really big birthday, Right. But you realize that 21 is just a number and it passes by so quickly. It is sort of like Christmas. When you are young, you spend all year waiting for Christmas. At first it is sort of well next year I will ask for this or that...and then you go back to school, and start waiting for summer break...which of course seems like forever until it gets there...and then it is like a few minutes and school is starting. Well then you are waiting for Christmas..That is the best...Presents and Food and NO SCHOOL...So you start getting excited and your parents start playing the "Santa Clause" card really early...You better be good, cause Santa is watching...And finally it is here, and reality it is over in just 1 day.

For me, this is the way the way everything is....I feel like time should slow down and we can enjoy the moments we look forward to. Instead, we are looking ahead before we can even remember what the last one was. And in reality, looking ahead is a good thing. If we didn't look ahead, where would our dreams come from. How could we tolerate the moments that aren't so good. The ones that we really do need to leave behind and get over quickly.

Now back to my personal dilemma.When I turned 52 last year, I started yearning for my younger years and the passion that comes from living. I started feeling like my next 50 years would be over way too quickly. My newest Granddaughter was only 7 days old. And my oldest had turned 13 the month before. My Dad passed away at 67. That was only 15 years away for me. If I was that young, my Lilly would be so young. My Anna girl would only be 29. Chances are, I will live longer than my dad did. But you never know, life is so fragile really...

Oh and then the Vain Cindy came out. I didn't want to look so old. How could I look younger? And even if I did look younger, that wouldn't last long either. Of course, if you have read any of my blogs, you know I had the perfect answer. A little bit of Vampire Venom to take away the wrinkles. I know..crazy, but the side of me that likes to believe in fairy tales is still looking for

My reality is that some of this helped me into my winter of depression. UGH. There is no rhyme or reason to depression. Chronic depression like mine has different triggers. And one trigger can set you up for it. Because the dark hole starts out as your friend. You are feeling sorry for yourself or someone else and you slip in and you can hide there. But then it gets too easy to stay...and while you are there, it is easy to block everyone else out. Seems no one can find you if you don't let them. And you pop out and try and act "normal", but as soon as they let you, you slip back in...And one day, you wake up and you are tired of the feelings. and you look around you and you are just feeling hopeless because you can't pop out...Heck you can't even see the light.
Sometimes I can get out of there before it takes me under, but this time, I had to have help. Called my counselor and we did some work. Well I am much better, but I know that I walk around all the time with one foot at the edge of the hole. so I digress again.I guess you probably didn't know that I was going to write a book this morning.

My birthday is coming around again this year. I decided some time this year that I no longer was going to have forward birthdays. I am going to start counting them backwards. I can't figure out if I will be 51 or stay 52 one more year. I think 51. 52 was one of those years I need to forget as quickly as possible.

So Happy Birthday to me and at the ripe old age of 51, I am looking forward to being 50 next year ;) Even though I am going backwards now, I hope that I take the time to enjoy everyone of the 49 years I have left.

Well my backyard is getting warmer and the ants are eating me, so I suppose I will close and head on into the house. OH and you see, I only mentioned my obsession once and if you didn't know I was obsessed with it, you would even know...My Twilight

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