Sunday, April 18, 2010

Hello Friends

It has been so so long since I have posted here. What can I say except I have been in the pits of depression. I hate depression. You think that everything is good and you are coping and life is good and then...suddenly you realize you are in that black hole with no idea how you got there. In the past, when I knew that I was sliding there, I could do the work and find my way out...But when you are living there without a clue, and one day it is so dark and you can't even find it in your self to look up. If feels better not to think about looking up, you know that you need help. I called my counselor and said "Help" I don't feel like helping my self, but I know that I don't like feeling this way...that hopeless feeling. And what makes it even worse is the guilt you feel for feeling that way...So he is once again trying to help me find my way up. I love him, but I always joke about having to pay him to be my friend.

The Guilt is almost worst than that hopeless feeling. Well not worse, but the same just different. Because you don't know how on earth you could be feeling so bad when you have no reason to. I know so many people with more problems and they seem to have it all together.

I quit checking my email, I quit checking my forums where all my online friends hang out...I just exited. Right about Thanksgiving I got a new cell phone. It is a Samsung Hilight. I also got internet access. So I can check some of my favorite websites.  I can go to face book, I can Tweet...and I don't have to even leave my chair....

Now I know that my depression is seasonal and when the weather is better and I can get outside, I do feel better. So since I started seeing Randy, and spending more time outdoors, I am feeling better...just not quite there yet. and some days I don't have the strength to even try. So I am going to get more active on my blog and journals. I am going to take a step everyday to feel better...and I will be back to write more.

The one thing I regret is I destroyed my online job. The one where I had a wonderful boss who trusted me to sit down at least an hour or 2 a day and write for him. And he doesn't even know how much I appreciated his patience and friendship. Now it is just gone...cause of this damn depression kicking my butt....Well hopefully one day he will just write and say hello and let me know how he is and what he is up to. I have never met him, but he works with kids and loves it and he dedicates his time each year to work at a camp for kids in Pennsylvania even though he is from Great Britain.
That is one sure way to gauge someones character...How much love and support they give to kids.

I promise to be back again to write all about my world and continue to bore you all to death...
love you all
Cindy

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