In Memory of Megan

It has been a year since God took Megan home. In her memory, I am reposting my blog from a year ago. I think of her often. I know she runs with the angels, sings in God's choir and I hope in her spare time she looks down on earth and watches over her family and those of us that love her so much. Thank you God for sharing her with me even the short time I knew her.



Today we will celebrate Megan's life. It was a short life filled with many challenges. I was blessed that she touched my life these past 3 years. This goes along with the saying that people come in and out of your life for a purpose, a reason. Finding the reason and enjoying the blessings is the secret to God's plan.

Last Friday, the strings that held Megan to this world were cut.The strings fell away and with them all the pain, all the uncertainties, everything that held her back these past 16 years. When God presented her with her wings, the mountains were not too high and the impossible became possible. Her legs are straight and strong. Her eyes can see every color of the rainbow. Her ears can hear every whisper that the butterfly's wings make. Her voice rings out strong and loud as she sings with the angels.

Although the strings that bound her here to this earth are gone, the strings that hold her in our hearts are as strong as ever. These strings made of gold holds her here in our hearts forever. She will never be forgotten. Our hearts will be filled with love and sorrow that she is no longer here with us. Of course we know that she now she flies with the Angels, however there is that selfish part of us that will never understand why she had to leave this earth so soon.

I would say Rest in Peace Megan, but I cannot imagine that you will be resting. I see you running, laughing, and enjoying the perfection that God has granted you now.

   It is my Dad's birthday today... I thought I could just repost these words from Father's Day. I wish he was here to hear them. He has been gone almost 10 years. There is so much I wish I could share with him today..


Father's Day is here and it reminds me how much I miss my Dad. I wish I had one more minute, hour, day, lifetime with my Dad. It wouldn't matter how much time I had, it would not be long enough. I miss him almost every day. My grandson has been talking about the "Circle Of Life" lately. I know that losing your parents is just one more part of that circle. But it is one that you don't want to face.

My dad was not always the "perfect" Dad. but he was mine. And I never questioned whether or not I was loved. If I needed anything, all I had to do was ask. He wasn't at every school program or ball game. He wasn't one of those Dads. I never even thought about it then. He was just my Dad and that is how he was.

A carpenter his whole life, you only had to tell him what you wanted, and he could build it. The smell of sawdust and sweat is the most perfect smell in the world.  His striped overhauls and pencil behind his ear, this is how I remember him as a child. Before measuring tapes came around, the wooden folded measuring tape was one of my favorite toys...Of course, I got in trouble for playing with that toy.

He built the house where we lived in Texas. After moving to Oklahoma in 1968, He built another home in 1973. Of course he had help and my mother was very capable and built the cabinets...together they built us a new home.  They bought a place at Eufaula Lake. After he retired, he made a drawing and began to rebuild our cabin. It began as a 1957 travel trailer with a room built on the front complete with a porch. When it was finished, he had enlarged it by building a regular roof over it and tearing it apart and rebuilding it from the inside out.  He had help, but the plan was his and all the trim work was his. Our little "trailer" became a very nice house.


One of my fondest memories of Dad was our fishing time. It began when we were little and he would take us fishing while visiting my Grandma. I was married and started having children when they bought the place on Eufaula Lake. While we were there, Dad got up very early and I would get up with him. If I wanted to have any quite fishing time, I had to do it before my kids woke up. Drinking coffee on the porch listening to the birds wake up was one of my favorite parts of the day. Dad would tell me the names of each one of the birds as they began their morning songs. We spent many mornings sitting on the rocks with our poles in the water waiting on the fish to bite. If we were "Jug Fishing" He would take me with him out in the boat to pick up and bait the jugs back out. Our mornings would usually prove productive and we would bring home several good sized catfish. Dad and I didn't talk much, but we enjoyed spending this quite time together.

Growing up, Dad was a grouchy man. About the time I started having my children, he began to mellow. I am not sure, but I think Grandchildren have a way of changing Grouchy Men. I sort of witnessed this strange phenomenon again when my husband and I had our first granddaughter. Ha. But that is another story.   This thing that happens when men become Grandpas showed a side of my Dad I didn't know existed. All of the things he wasn't when I was a child, he gave to my children. And when you thought you had seen everything, His grandchildren made him a Great Grandpa. It got even more unbelievable. During this period of our lives, he became ill. Between Grandchildren and fighting for his life, he became the most loving man I know. I always felt loved, but the gentle way he was after the grand kids, I never experienced as a child.

 He had been a drinking man, and right before he got sick, he gave up that part of his life. My daughter was sort of angry by this. She felt he had wasted so many years and then he got sick. I am sure he regretted all those years, but life is what it is. Life is filled with regrets and should haves and could haves.We begin to mold into a person the moment of birth. Choices, life lessons, consequences, people, mistakes, victories, failures all come together to make the person we become. And we never cease to evolve until we die.

Dad loved us each with his whole heart. He made choices he was proud of and choices he was ashamed of.  But the man he was, I was proud to call my Dad. His life taught us to be proud, to have faith, to love, and what it means to be a good person. Thank you, Daddy, for all you taught us. I miss you and think of you every day. Happy Father's Day.

ABDICATE

I was doing an exercise from "Creative Writing Excercises Workbook" by Marjorie J McDonald. In the book, Exercise 3, you find a dictionary and close your eyes, skim down, land on a word and use that word in your title or story. My fingers landed on the word Abdicate. This is the result of that exercise.  So more of my rambling tonight. I hope it doesn't bore you to tears.

ABDICATE

Abdicate, to give up or to not fufill your responsibilities. There are so many times during your lifetime that you just want to ABDICATE. When you are a young mother and your baby hasn’t slept in days and so you are worn out and they are crying and you are at your wits end....I have been there. You just want to ABDICATE. You no longer want to be a mom right now in this moment. Of course that is a very short moment of which you will feel unnecessarily guilty for many years. I challenge any mother to say they have not had that moment.

It may not come when your baby is an infant, but when your baby is a young teenager trying to find his way in the world. He is defying you and what you have tried to teach him. And everything in you is screaming I ABDICATE....NO I DON”T WANT TO BE THE MOM... as you pick yourself up and dry your tears and put your big girl panties back on. And yes you will because inside that smart alec teen standing there is your little itty bitty baby that you love more than life.You may be at a loss on how you are ever going to teach them. And desperate that they will never grow up to be a responsible adult.. And again you will have many days of unnecessary guilt that will haunt you for many years over wanting to give up.

There will be many more times in your life as a Mom when ABDICATING will be the first thought in your mind. But as a Mom, you know that is not a choice. Mom is the best job in the world... well maybe not the very best..Ask your Grandma. I am both and I never thought I could love anyone more than my children. Well, I was wrong. And when my grandkids tell me...I have the best Grandma in the world...Well lets just say...I am glad I didn’t ABDICATE.

Life Lessons

You are never too old to learn life lessons. It is sort of a continuing education. When you are comfortable in your life, you can completely drop the ball and make a complete fool of yourself.

As you get older and wiser, you begin to realize that all those life lessons have actually taught you something. One of the things that I have learned is that I was way too judgmental in my younger years. When the kids were growing up, I thought that I knew it all and there was no other way than my way. Most things that I thought was just one way, I learned from other adults in my life. My parents, my pastor, my teachers...Everything was either black or white. There was no room for any gray areas. 

Growing up is not an easy as we think. It takes lots of life lessons. As I said before it is a work in progress and I don't know that we ever completely there. I thought I had finally gotten over being judgmental.  I am more open minded. I can see both sides of almost any argument to the point I seem wishy washy.  I just knew I had this...when I dropped the ball and made a complete fool of myself.

When they announced the new judges of American Idol I became so upset. I ranted on and on about Nicki Minaj. I had absolutely no idea of what I was talking about. I was judging her on the way she looked and what I felt she must be like. I saw her on an awards show looking like a giant Barbie Doll who couldn't even stand up on her own because of her shoes. I heard gossip and the paparazzi junk...and I don't even remember what it was except is was negative. I got on my soap box and no one was going to tell me any different because by golly "I know" she is just what????? I don't even know what I thought, because I was too busy KNOWING...

After watching American Idol the other night, I realized that once again, I was that person..That judged someone that I didn't know to the point that I sounded pathetic. I realized that I had been very stupid and showed my "Ass" in a very unbecoming way. I am not sure I like her or respect her yet, but I didn't even give her a chance.

I was prepared to come to class the next day and make a confession. Before I was allowed to do that, a person that I call a friend let me have it. It seems that not only had I made a complete fool of myself, I had let my friend down. When I got finished being a know it all "Witch" with a B, I had given her reason to think less of me. I deserved that and even more. I hope that she doesn't let that define me. Hopefully she will realize that I am human and make mistakes but I am still worth it.

 Looking at this one incident, I know this is a ugly truth about me. I am way too judgmental. I have come a long way, but not near far enough. Working on this will be a priority this year.

2013

2013 is here and it is time for another round of resolutions and promises that the beginning of the year brings. Every January 1st, we get a brand new clean notebook numbered from 1 to 365. I didn't actually think of this on my own, I borrowed it from someone else. I just read it somewhere in the past week. That doesn't mean it isn't true.

The fact is, this is a wonderfully healthy way to look at life. We give ourselves permission to let the things that we have done in the past stay there. This way we can actually forgive ourselves for not being perfect. So many times we fail because we set ourselves up to fail. We sabotage our chance at success when we bring our baggage with us. I think I blogged about this last year, or the year before.

Self Fulfilling Prophecy: A Self Fulfilling Prophecy is a prediction that causes itself to come true due to the simple fact that the prediction was made. This happens because our beliefs influence our actions.  

I think we have all been guilty of this. Remember when we were in school and preparing for a test. We did everything right. We took the notes, wrote the papers, studied the material and crammed all night long. The next day we go take the test. We know it, but somehow we second guess our selves and somewhere in the middle of the test we start getting overwhelmed and instead of acing the test, we get a low b or even a c. Why? Because we have told ourselves over and over and over, I am not good at taking test. Every time I take a test, I "choke" and I never can make an A. We make a prediction and then allow ourselves to believe that we can't do it and we just choke. 

They say that the definition of insanity is to continue to do the same things with the expectations of a different outcome. This is where the  Self Fulfilling Prophecy comes to bite us in the butt. It isn't that we don't want to change, or can't change..It is because we don't allow ourselves to believe that we can do it. We keep saying that I always screw it up and so guess what.. we do. 

I remember when I wrote this the last time. I gave myself a lot of pep talks and gave my self permission to succeed. I had some success and met some goals. I don't know what happened or where I let myself stop believing, but I had some set backs. But it worked so well, I am going to try it again this year.  And this year, I am going to take my brand new sheets of paper and try to write some new goals. I am going to look forward and not get bogged down by the old SFP. I am going to make new ones that are positive and bright. 

I know that this is the 7th and I am a week late. I am telling myself that it is because I haven't sit down yet this year to make my resolutions. It's not because I am the worlds worst procrastinator. That would be my first SFP of the year and I am not going down that road again. 

This would be Page 7 of 365. One of my new SFP's. I am going to write more. I am not going to sabotage  that by making excuses but by saying that I can do this. I will do this. I am going to write more.