Hello Friends

It has been so so long since I have posted here. What can I say except I have been in the pits of depression. I hate depression. You think that everything is good and you are coping and life is good and then...suddenly you realize you are in that black hole with no idea how you got there. In the past, when I knew that I was sliding there, I could do the work and find my way out...But when you are living there without a clue, and one day it is so dark and you can't even find it in your self to look up. If feels better not to think about looking up, you know that you need help. I called my counselor and said "Help" I don't feel like helping my self, but I know that I don't like feeling this way...that hopeless feeling. And what makes it even worse is the guilt you feel for feeling that way...So he is once again trying to help me find my way up. I love him, but I always joke about having to pay him to be my friend.

The Guilt is almost worst than that hopeless feeling. Well not worse, but the same just different. Because you don't know how on earth you could be feeling so bad when you have no reason to. I know so many people with more problems and they seem to have it all together.

I quit checking my email, I quit checking my forums where all my online friends hang out...I just exited. Right about Thanksgiving I got a new cell phone. It is a Samsung Hilight. I also got internet access. So I can check some of my favorite websites.  I can go to face book, I can Tweet...and I don't have to even leave my chair....

Now I know that my depression is seasonal and when the weather is better and I can get outside, I do feel better. So since I started seeing Randy, and spending more time outdoors, I am feeling better...just not quite there yet. and some days I don't have the strength to even try. So I am going to get more active on my blog and journals. I am going to take a step everyday to feel better...and I will be back to write more.

The one thing I regret is I destroyed my online job. The one where I had a wonderful boss who trusted me to sit down at least an hour or 2 a day and write for him. And he doesn't even know how much I appreciated his patience and friendship. Now it is just gone...cause of this damn depression kicking my butt....Well hopefully one day he will just write and say hello and let me know how he is and what he is up to. I have never met him, but he works with kids and loves it and he dedicates his time each year to work at a camp for kids in Pennsylvania even though he is from Great Britain.
That is one sure way to gauge someones character...How much love and support they give to kids.

I promise to be back again to write all about my world and continue to bore you all to death...
love you all
Cindy

Another night

Well here we go again, me rambling and then me writing stuff here...It is 1 am in the morning and I need to go to bed. But first I have a few things to say as I finish watching today's episode of General Hospital. 

Less than 20 days now and I get to see my movie...Please just hang in there New Moon Cast... Rob and Kristen...Hang in there....I know you are in the spotlight ...maybe it will make the whole thing easier. Because it must be hard when you can't go out when you are simply working. But at least now that you are on the Promotional Circuit, you are working and getting out at the same time. I know.It isn't easy...but please don't give up on us that aren't completely out of our minds. That we know you were just doing your job. My daughter use to say....and it was true for her..She didn't cry in movies. Because the job of the actors was to make us cry...They get paid to make us cry. When she had kids, she did get more emotional. and she does cry in Movies now. And she is my partner in all this Twilight craziness. 

I just hope that the kids can hang in there until it is all done...They have the rest of their lives to get back to normal...It will go back to normal..guys..hang in there... 

Well gotta go...another problem is brewing..see you all later.

I told you I'd be back

Well you see,  I have been talking with my friend Diane Chamberlain..Asking her questions about writing. She is so kind and patient and answers me. I listened to an interview with her the other day. She is such a delightful person. I love her. But she suggested to writer wantabees...Take some courses in composition to learn how to write. I have been thinking of that seriously. I know that they have creative writing classes at the votech. I also think they might have online classes. I know that Alicia and Shelly at the Jr. High would help me. I just have to ask. them. They are true teachers and have such a passion for teaching. I suppose they wouldn't mind if the person they were teaching was an old grandma that doesn't want to get old anymore. Or doesn't know what she wants to be when she grows up.

After visiting with Diane, reading how Stephenie Meyer and Stephen Kiing have characters yelling at them, I have decided I need to sleep in my recliner with a pen and paper in my hand. And all those thoughts that I hear all night. start jotting them down. Most of my dreams are about people I don't know. These could be the characters that I am suppose to write about. I know I told my counselor that sometimes when I shut my eyes, it is like "Showtime"...All these people that I don't know in my head doing things that are weird, or different. He said maybe I should write a book.. The thing is, I can never remember it the next day. And if I don't take something to help me stay asleep, I don't get any sleep. So what is the trade off. Well I figure that maybe for a while I am going to start listening and stop taking my meds and just see if I get those characters shouting stuff I should write. And start with some writing classes, Composition like Diane suggested and just see. Sometimes I have great ideas, but because I haven't taught myself all those thousands of words in our vocabulary that I need to know. Oh how I wish I had paid better attention. I so see the need to have the kids in my jr. high classes learn the vocabulary words. How do you teach yourself vocabulary words.  I mean, if you don't use them everyday, you forget them. Now I know that you can learn just about everything on the Internet now. I know sometimes I have trouble recalling a simple word that I do know and use. Is that just my old age. You would think that kind of stuff would come more easily the older you get..You know Practice makes perfect and all. And so I have been speaking and writing for 52 years now, so you would think that my vocabulary would be humongous. Alas. that is not so. The fact is, it has probably gotten smaller and smaller. .
Although I know that it is larger than some seventh and eighth graders. That is not saying very much. Sometimes I am amazed at how much they do not know. Words that they trip over, I am like What? Right now in Jr. High we are teaching 12 important words that everyone should know. Now let me see if I can remember some of them...
Infer- read between the lnes
Evaluate- Judge
Summarize- short version
I can''t remember them right now..I'll be right back....
Trace-list in steps
Analyze-break apart
Formulate-create
Describe- tell about
Explain-tell how
Support-Back up with details
Contrast-How things are different
Compare-How things are the same
Predict-What will happen next
Okay, I am having trouble seeing the screen now...it is time to put this away and go to bed.
My eyes are crossing.... Who knows, maybe tonight will be the night that my Characteres jump out of my head and onto the paper,,,,